Okay, I'm lost. Can someone please lend me Twitter: Seasons 1 and 2

My mom found out about my twitter account & is disgusted on the language we all use on here. just expect all your moms to get a call tonight

Not making a Mexican joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals

Dear Dude. Who's slowly walking towards me at the bus stop, dragging his one leg & can't keep his balance. Please be drunk and not a Zombie

Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

How much longer do you guys think Renée Zellweger can hold in that fart ?

I only had one beer Cupcake

Can i call you Cupcake?

No??

Okay, I only had one beer Officer.

Nothing says "Bitch Don't Fuck With Me" more than, tucking your tampon behind your ear like a cigarette.

Gay dudes are so lucky, They never have to worry about How gay they look when trying to jump over a rain puddle.

My 6yro caught me masturbating to porn on her iPad.
Oh I know what You're thinking,You're all thinking
What sick bastard buys a 6yro an iPad

My pet rock turned 4,000,000,001 today

Can you break a 20? No ??
Then keep dancing.

Dear little Timmy, Please hit another home run so your mommy can jump up and down again. Sincerely yours, The Dads

Oh God, My ex-twitter crush just logged on. Quick.... LOL @ me like I tweeted something funny.

Just when I'm about to adore you. You fuck it up.

Calm down white dude. I'm Just making a u-turn in your driveway.

I just made my Chiropractor's day by calling him Doctor in front of his mom.

I have white friends, but not " Excuse me Sir. You dropped your wallet." white friends.

Better go get rid of all the dead hookers i have hidden or buried in the backyard. I don't need a repeat of last years Easter egg hunt.

Okay, Now they're just making countries up.