Its all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits

There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying, "I went through an entire box of tissue during that movie"

If steroids are illegal for athletes, shouldn't photo shop be illegal for models?

Just because you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town

Sorry sweetheart but your vagina doesn't come with a "clear history" button.

I'm not bossy, you just Don't know what the fuck you're doing!

I wish the weekend would come as fast as my ex would.

Closing the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the key in the door before the killer gets you.

If Helen Keller had ESP, would you say she had a fourth sense?

Shouldn't you have to pass a urine test to collect a welfare check... Since I have yo pass one to earn it for you.

Weight loss is a numbers game. If you don't believe me, i'll just assume you're a teletubby who's bad at math.

That awkward moment when you can't find your bra so you just stuff your boobs in your pants

ATTN RTRDS: There is a big difference between being a toothpick and actually having great abs! #justsayin

Nascar... Cause only a retarded dog would watch a car drive in circles 400 times

Dancing and driving is good for the soul!!

Love is like a pig. The more you bother it the more it squeals!!

I hate this fat bitch in the twitter shirt. Twat keeps looking at me... Alright which one of you is it?

Pedal Meds BBQ tomorrow in Chestermere 10-4. Come buy a burger to support the Alberta Cancer Foundation. @djph03nix will play live! #RTCC

I was going to call heaven and tell God he's missing an Angel... but i was kinda hoping you were a slut.

If you say something like "yuppers", I automatically assume you have a vagina.