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I've been calling my boyfriend "honey" for the last year now because I'm too embarrassed to tell him I forgot his name.
I wish I had a beard so I could scratch it while I judge you.
If I were Jesus I'd visit a water park.
Because of all the wine.
And I'm thirsty.
Fuck you it's funny.
If we love you, there is nothing so filthy that you can’t say it in bed. And we hope you do.
I'll let you put your tongue in my ass, but don't expect me to kiss you afterwards.
Just kidding. I'll kiss you.
I showed my 12 year old brother how to write "Oh Hell" on a calculator. He then wrote "get a life you fucking pathetic bitch " on his Droid.
My hot neighbor forgot to take his shirt off before mowing the lawn again. Our imaginary conversation about this was very clear.
It's hard to say my safeword when my panties are duct taped inside my mouth. :-(
Some days you wanna just say fuck it and put gravy on everything.
Related: My frosted Flakes taste awful.
I love giving head as much as the next girl, but I require one thing from you before you put it my mouth.
Take off the black socks.
If you are going to ask for naked pictures, at least send the obligatory penis shot to me first. Me and my twitter BFF want to laugh at you
Hold my hand in public and I will swallow every drop in private.
The more twisted it becomes, the wetter I get.
Some days you just need a good tongue up your ass. Today is one of those days.
You don't blame a flower if it doesn't grow properly; you tend to it to help it. Love is the same. Don't blame a person. Tend to the issue.
I think my alarm clock is broken. It keeps going off when I'm sleeping.
Yes, I do make him a sandwich after sex.
But only if he makes me cum.
Positive reinforcement is crucial, like a little lab rat.
Men... we want you to take control. Even strong women like to be put in their place in the bedroom. Man up.
Nerd question of the day:
If a Jedi uses the Force to make a girl orgasm but never touches her, would that be considered cheating?
Water to wine? My paycheck just turned into Irish Creme. What now Jesus?
TV Personality, Syndicated Relationship Expert, Ask Her author. Named 7th Sexiest Gamer Alive. Ask me anything and you might be featured in an article.