If you're a girl watching the VS Fashion Show & you're not wet, doing crunches on the floor, you are lying.

Are you FUCKING kidding me?! My fucking milkshake brings all the crazy people to my yard.

Karma is Buddhist for "I am rubber, you are glue."

Is it acceptable to dryhump my iPhone if there's no one at the bar as sexually appealing as @whiskeyandmeds?


Too late. It's happening.

So so so ready for Vegas, I'm about to roofie myself.

The guy in the bowtie is the cutest motherfucker in the room, 100% of the time.

"That cop says I should go to jail for smoking PCP in my car, but I say that cop should go to jail for being a fucking saber-toothed tiger."

It's not "highly inappropriate" because I'm not "high" & I don't know why we're using finger quotes or where my bra went or why you're here.

Slurp it like a milkshake

I'm inappropriate on a different level. pic.twitter.com/wfURZG1K

Chloé Christmas.


Get it? There's a dick at the back door! #sexyxmas #xxx #pretendadult pic.twitter.com/XG6hBCFq

Gonna solve all your relationship problems right now girls: Find something better to do with your mouth than bitch. Use your imagination.

What's a Christmasgram?! I WANT ONE!!!!

I'll consider myself a winner at life when I have a diamond encrusted bong sitting on a diamond encrusted coffee table next to a Love Sac.

All my girlfriends are looking for love & all I want out of life is a fresh pair of gold pyramid-studded Vans & some mint green skinnies.

I wanna be @buffclutch when I grow up.

Goin' to see some maaaaagic ☺

I like to follow up my bad decisions with badder decisions.

Boobs are how people without charm get what they want.

Meatdog just ate a marble. Merry Christmas!