You dont have 29 followers on twitter without making a few enemies

Relationships are like umbrellas. Originally functional & useful on rainy days. But eventually, broken and left for someone else in a bar.

Someone tell Kim Kardashian it's a vagina, not a clown car.

When I was a boy, sometimes we would go months without seeing photos of our friends' meals.

I feel sorry for the musician who actually does play the World's Smallest Violin. It's probably not as easy as we all make it out to be.

My bank won't trust me not to steal their pens. Yet I trust them with literally dozens of dollars.

Don't flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

If the Zombie apocalypse ever does happen, I'll feel a whole lot better about it if Morgan Freeman is the one to break the news.

For every Retweet I receive, I will donate nothing to society and continue taking up space.

A true friend is someone who will delete your internet history for you, if you ever go into a coma.

Why don't you try occupying a cubicle?!

Can we please take the "Date" out of "Date Rape". I'm pretty sure the date ends when the raping begins.

My life is a bigger joke than anything I'll ever tweet

If you own a Nickleback album. You're part of the problem.

To the homeless man, proudly waving a five dollar bill in the air...Big deal, I have almost ten times that in my checking account.

3 steps to win any argument:

1) Condescendingly shake head
2) Quietly "Shush" the person
3) Repeat "You're Misinformed" in British accent

I am beginning to think Britney Spears might not be the musical genius I once I thought her to be.

I tried brushing my teeth with my left hand this morning...realized immediately that I'm ill prepared for any type of stroke.

If it wasn't for Twitter, I would have no idea which politicians I should hate.

Headline: Penn State's Jerry Sandusky Now Forced to Date Older Men.