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I feel sorry for the musician who actually does play the World's Smallest Violin. It's probably not as easy as we all make it out to be.
When I was a boy, sometimes we would go months without seeing photos of our friends' meals.
Don't flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
If the Zombie apocalypse ever does happen, I'll feel a whole lot better about it if Morgan Freeman is the one to break the news.
Relationships are like umbrellas. Originally functional & useful on rainy days. But eventually, broken and left for someone else in a bar.
You dont have 29 followers on twitter without making a few enemies
Chicken Soup for the soul....alcohol for everything else.
My teeth are so white they take their pets on vacation.
Someone tell Kim Kardashian it's a vagina, not a clown car.
I have never even come CLOSE to earning the respect of a cat.
It's amazing how many broken dreams can fit into one cubicle.
My bank won't trust me not to steal their pens. Yet I trust them with literally dozens of dollars.
For every Retweet I receive, I will donate nothing to society and continue taking up space.
A true friend is someone who will delete your internet history for you, if you ever go into a coma.
Idiot proof? Challenge accepted.
Hearing a white girl give her order at Starbucks could make anyone racist.
If you own a Nickleback album. You're part of the problem.
Why don't you try occupying a cubicle?!
To think, there was a time when Americans were forced to WONDER how housewives in New Jersey spent their days.
Thank God my bathroom scale doesn't count the crushing weight of my broken dreams.
Comedian, Producer, and man-about-town...Sufferer of delusions of adequacy.