Gmail is down right now. If anybody needs to email me, just send it to my Dad's AOL account, then he'll pass it along as part of a mass FWD.

"Oh neat, I get it. Flo Rida -> Florida!" - future conscious rapper, Del Aware

OJ Mayo makes a way better NBA basketball player than he would a menu item.

If Aerosmith were any more rock'n'roll, they'd be Hanson.

Rick Santorum referred to pregnancy caused by rape as "a gift in a very broken way." Hope he's not my secret santa next year.

I long for the good old days when a guy could make love to his tonic and gin at a bar and a pop star would write a song about it.

Did you know that Jay-Z's full name is JayKLMNOPQRSTUVWXY-Z? #FactsWithoutWikipedia

I can tell how fat someone is just by looking at them.

Legend at my college had it that if you stood on the crest on campus and kissed your girlfriend, people would point & call you a douchebag.

Tribal people with fraternity tattoos.

@robdelaney I can't shake the thought that Chavez would still be with us if he were a #DryJacker4Life :(

The people on the bus acted like I was the weird one, but they're the ones who have apparently never played Marco Polo before.

I hate when people beg for more followers. I just wish there were more people following me, so they could get the word out.

"meh eh." - an indifferent Canadian on the internet.

If I have such an outstanding balance, then STOP sending me mail about it!

I have a dream that one day all of god's children will learn to use crosswalks.

An exotic dancer would be one with a high school diploma.

I saw Mick Jagger on SNL last weekend. And it's true what they say. A Rolling Stone gathers no mass.

Women should get their own state. It could be called New Handbag, and the state motto could be "Winfrey Or Die".

"Nude Descending Career Trajectory" by Cubist Gooding Jr.