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Who is in charge of pizza? Because I have some ideas.
When you are depressed a floor is THE place lie down. Accept no substitutes.
God spoke to me today. He said that Tuesday would really work better for the Sabbath if that was cool.
Nothing is sadder than watching unicorns doing regular old horse work.
A bridge collapsed near my house last night and my so-called superfoods sat there and did nothing.
When people cut you off in the street and mumble "sorry" grab their arm firmly, look them in the eye and say, "I accept your apology."
Deep down I know I can't be trusted with a tank.
When two males hug, the dominant one should always whisper something reassuring into the other one's ear.
Nothing is scarier than a man riding a kid-sized bike. That man has nothing to lose.
The most embarrassing part about getting into a fight with a werewolf is when they make you punch yourself in the face.
"Am I high maintenence?" is a question that answers itself.
I imagine CEO's look through their old memos sometimes and say, "yep, that was a good one".
Imagine how awesome the guy who coined the phrase, "Mind your own beeswax" must feel. Probably wakes up proud and fulfilled every day.
Later today I will make two VERY different tacos share a crowded, gastrointestinal apartment.
Can I borrow someone's kidneys? I will give them right back.
Let's play Low-Self Esteem or Amnesia? The phrase is: "Who the hell do I think I am?"
Shakespeare should have had Lady Macbeth kick the king of Scotland to death. Better action plus foot-washing scene which everyone enjoys.
People question the evolutionary necessity of the belly button but it's the perfect spot to place a stick and spin you around like a plate.
When people say they are "wild" they usually mean "I am comfortable being nude in unusual locations".
Current Thing X Writer/Producer. Former Onion Writer/Producer.