If you're defending things instead of people right now, you're wrong.

LOUIS CK HOSTING SNL OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

The only thing on the Internet that has no trouble buffering is advertising.

People responsible for videos that automatically play on websites are also likely shouting at libraries, funerals and open-heart surgeries.

Everyone would be a lot more humble if their most-played iTunes songs were released to the world.

I read about Amy Poehler and Will Arnett's split and now I know what teenage girls feel like all the time.

RT if you want your followers to read this

Here's an idea for a tweet. Eh, that's stupid. But I'm hitting send, so it's your problem now.

Don't ever sass me with, "What do you want, a cookie?" because the answer is always yes.

I liked my previous tweet and am disappointed in your ambivalence.

Friday night tweets are a great way to tell the world you're single or unhappy with your relationship.

I always want to write an amazing tweet before bed, because apparently I really enjoy being ignored.

If you don't have empathy, I don't care about you.

If you count to four in front of any member of The Ramones, a guitar will fall into their hands and they'll involuntarily start playing.

I like how favoriting a tweet has morphed from archiving the best tweets to offering an half-hearted nod to the person who wrote it.

Based on the frenetic tone of my Twitter feed, I'm pretty sure a zombie from "The Walking Dead" just killed someone on "Homeland."

Dance like Mante Te'o's girlfriend is watching.

Sometimes I wish I were famous, just so I could get retweets for things like "I love my fans," "Food is good" and "j."

This time, it appears Kanye let himself finish.

Would someone please give Mariah Carey you already?