Dating is hard because guys are like "You're hot, can we do butt stuff yet?" and girls are like "It's been 3 days, where's my ring?"

If I had a theme song, it would be "If you're happy and you know it, fuck it up."

Star Wars has given me unrealistic expectations of who my father is.

You know a really good way to piss off a woman? Be her husband.

My husband told me to watch my mouth & act like a lady. We laughed and laughed and laughed and then I punched him in his fucking balls.

You're a jerk and you remind me of someone I hate. Let's fuck. - Girls

If you're easily offended, there's an app for that. It's called Facebook.

All women should realize that they're at their sexiest just being themselves.

Being ignored is a horrible feeling but being dismissed after pouring your heart out is a tragedy for the mind, body & soul.

I spent years trying to change myself for someone else. I accomplished nothing & missed out on life. Don't ever fucking do that. For anyone.

Rock, paper, scissors, oops I stabbed you.

Who said your body wasn't good enough? A magazine? Society? Fuck them. Be healthy. Be your own standard, not someone else's. You're perfect.

Show me against this wall how much you fucking adore me.

"I will fucking kill you and make it look like an accident motherfucker" is the new "til death do us part."

That'll do people who don't star or RT but leave ridiculously moronic comments. That'll do.

Behind every beautiful woman is a man who tried to break her...that she kicked out and then fucked all of his friends because, fuck that guy

Newbie Tip: Take every tweet literally. Send very serious replies to these obviously saracastic tweets often. Everyone here loves that.

I don't hide my stretch marks & scars. Because it reminds me of a commitment I made to nourish another human life&that's fucking beautiful.

This egg mcmuffin tastes a lot like shattered dreams, welfare and spit.

The only bruises a man should leave on a woman should be from hot, wild sex or else you don't deserve to be called a man.