Guys, unfollow this account and follow @brokenzmile. That'll be my other account, I'm shutting this one down.

Downloading Instagram, hoping it'll make me look better.

What do you call a coach having sex with an umbrella? A "Coachella". Don't worry, I'm drinking rat poison for you guys!

Every gum takes the form of a vagina once it is brutally chewed after a while.

It's funny how I ran out of milk like this "Elmer's Glue" won't suffice instead.

Right now, the only women I trust is my hands.

Can't even afford a Bucket to have a List.

This is gonna hurt you more than it is gonna hurt me because I'm the one who'll be providing the hurting!

I wish non-existent people would talk to me too, my beloved grandma.

I stopped eating carrots because of Carrot Top.

Not saying your teeth are horrifying, dear coworker, but if I were you, I'd replace those accursed teeth with Dentyne Ice.

How are you supposed to be my "Home-Boys" if you're not gonna share all your wives with me?

I don't mean to be rude, but I actually DO mean to be rude!

The Rock's veins in his muscles looks like garden hoses.

I'd rather keep failing than not try.

Stars? Nope. God's surveillance cameras.

Butterflies can't fly in a straight line. Bye!

Adulthood is so full of it.

A person with no phone gets more text messages than me.