I scratch your back, you go down on me. Fair trade.

One guy says lets go jump on the tramp, the other guy says I dont wanna hurt your mom.

Could someone please 'Check in' at my vagina?

I'm losing followers as quick as Charles Manson did when he went to prison.

You men think we turn lights off because we are insecure, but really you're ugly and we need to get laid.

If you see 8 drunk girls tonight in the bar, falling over and showing their boobs, it's just me and my classy friends.

If the oreos package was as hard to open as a barbie box, I'm pretty sure obesity numbers would be down.

Yeah I have a drinking problem. It's called I'm too fucking drunk to drive to get more booze.

When I wear my boyfriends boxers around the house, I feel an urge to randomly scratch my vagina.

If you can't eat pussy amazingly, then you have no business putting it in your mouth.

Can I hate fuck you to Rammstein?

So mothers day is coming up, guess its not a good time to tell my mom im a lesbian...and a felon

My phone charger is so short, I look like a hang glider hanging off my bed to tweet while my phone is charging.

You're not successfully drunk until you fall and bust your ass in front of your friends.

When your "soulmate" feels more like a roommate, then it's time to find a new mate.

You wish I was a Step-ford wife. I wish you were hung like a porn star. I guess we will both just be miserable.

I think we need to be having sex to really understand what's going on here.

Running your hands under water for two seconds, isn't considered hand washing you nasty fucker.

Sat in chocolate ice cream. It looks like I have a shit stain on my pants. I think the only appropriate place I can go like this is walmart.

Why do women still get all naked in the gym locker rooms? This isn't a concentration camp. I will remember what your ass looks like.