The Leave it to Beaver show was a good lesson for guys, for it taught that every time you pull a boner you can blame it on the beaver.

I feel bad for all of you who are out on dates tonight & aren't at home playing super nintendo by yourself like me.

When a guy thinks he's getting sex, I live "just around the corner," but when I just want to hang out, all of a sudden I live "really far."

"Things always work themselves out in the end." - your digestive system.

Apparently my wife is taking one of those pills where one of the side effects is trouble swallowing.

Muhammad Ali said that Michael J Fox was the best thing to happen to him in years.

When I eat a banana in public, I always put one hand behind my head.

"Buzz off" is the last thing someone on drugs wants to hear.

Ya'll have this bucket list thing all wrong.One of the last things I'd like to do before I die is at least be able to yell for HELP!

Thank God for women who love funny guys, I've laughed many to bed

Just finished playing hide & seek with my car. I lost.