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I was dating this girl from South Carolina for a while until I found out her mom drives a tractor in overalls topless. Now Im with her mom.
You can always tell when someone's new to Twitter. "Went to the mall today. It was fun!" It's not Facebook, tell us about titties and booze.
Girlfriend's son: What's Twitter?
Me: No, too soon. See, first you start with Myspace, then you join Facebook, and THEN you get Twitter.
Whenever someone says "make yourself at home" I like to rearrange their furniture and kick their kids out.
I don't yell at my OCD girlfriend when I'm mad at her, I just throw her box of pens on the ground.
When Mcdonalds informed me they've never served meatball sandwiches, I just replied "Are you McSerious? That's McBullshit!" And drove away.
The best part about having trailer trash in your fam is bringing a laser pointer to reunions and watching Uncle Ted try to spot the sniper.
If Facebook gets a "poke" button, Twitter should get a "stab in the jugular" button.
I hate when you lose a pack of gum and the dryer is all, "You left it in these pants, fucktard."
Nothing feels better than getting starfucked by someone you would actually fuck.
I would rather give Gary Coleman an extensive foot massage while listening to a Justin Bieber album than spend 20 seconds near a clown.
I just received a request on Facebook to join Twitter. Even Facebook hates Facebook.
Honestly officer, its baby powder. My nose chafes easily being so far up your ass
I hate it when I'm ridin' dirty, lookin' all gangster and my mom slams on the brakes and I spill my Sunny D on my new TMNT shirt.
I like when people have code words for sex around kids. Mine is, "Wanna fuck?"
When a girl touches my hands and acknowledges my calluses, I laugh when she thinks it's from me "working."
I hate when people call me a closet alcoholic when really I'm more of an at the bar surrounded by several beautiful women alcoholic.
I like to send friend requests on Facebook and as soon as they accept it, I unfriend them because fuck Facebook.
I used to hate red lights. Now it gives me more time to tweet.
I put hot sauce on my popcorn. I have a cat named Stanky. I once attempted to climb Mt. Everest but stayed home to masturbate instead.
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