To my lovely, hardworking wife: Sit down, take a load off. Relax.

Those dishes aren't going anywhere.

How many pushups can you do?

If they're the orange flavor I know for a fact I can do 7 of them in one sitting.

Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns #nameyourpoopwithamovietitle

For women's day: I let the wife drone for 10 minutes about Easter dresses for the girls without sighing loudly into the phone even once.

Bob the Builder leads immigration authorities to Handy Manny's work site.

#KidShowsDeletedScenes

Holocaust Denial #RejectedScoutBadges

Remember when libraries used to have books? And be relatively quiet? And have tables without computers on top? Am I THAT old?

I think it's cool my wife can go out with girlfriends & have girl talk & then come home & RECOUNT EVERY DETAIL OF EVERY CONVERSATION TO ME.

Batman always drives the Batmobile because Robin, well, Robin has some DUIs.
#ComicBookFacts

"I'm gonna go out drinking and pose for pictures while pointing at the bottle that I'm drinking from"

- Me, in my early 20s, apparently

I'm a parent, so: Anyone more strict with their kids than me is running a gulag. Anyone less strict is raising free range hippies.

The Girl With The Neck Tattoo
#WhiteTrashMovies

#halfoftwittergetstheirfeelingshurt

Sugar in the Raw.

Yeah, sounds dirty, doesn't it? Sweeten my coffee you nasty dirty girl.

0.0000017 secs=The maximum amt of time allowed after seeing her dressed up before you must say how good she looks if you want to get lucky.

I'm the ---- ------- of not naming names.

I sometimes like putting unnecessary quotes in the "middle" of a sentence to make it read funny.

Apparently bringing your depressed wife flowers, then yelling "GETTIN' LAID TONIGHT!!", and doing a dance/moonwalk, yeah, it cancels out.

Elbows, worst to best:

1. Macaroni
2. The ones on your arms

I don't think I'm doing this joke format right.

Wait - this place isn't within a thousand feet of a school or park, is it?
#badjobinterview

Seriously? You're in such a fucking hurry that you practically run a stop sign to get in front me but then go the speed limit?