Why is it I only drink bottled water but I'll eat any pussy you put infront of me no matter how dirty it is?

I had a dream I was watching porn at work. It was a nice change of pace. Normally I'm the one getting fucked in the ass at work.

You never really know a man until you go through his porn collection

Sometimes I like to cover my balls in glitter and shine a flashlight on them. I pretend I have a dick disco and all the ladies are invited.

I like drinking a cup of sleepy time tea to help me go to bed. By tea I mean a glass of whiskey with a side of vicodin.

After eating spring rolls I know what it must feel like to go down on an Asian man

This girl is so ugly I think she is a machine sent from the future to kill all boners

How long do I have to tweet about my vagina and how horny I am till I become twitter famous?

Fisting a girl is a lot like grabbing chips from the bottom of a pringles can.

The only thing worse than kid rock playing on the radio is hearing someone sing along

The girlfriend wants me to go down on her. I'm preparing my canary, a flashlight, and a few bottles of water. I may not make it back alive.

I don't want to hear that you're addicted to coffee unless you're willing to suck dick behind a Starbucks for enough money to buy coffee

I'd rather people know it's a fleshlight than think I have lube and tissues next to my foot long flashlight.

I miss the days when asking a girl if she wanted to blow you in the bathroom was an acceptable pick up line

If each glass of koolaide made you slightly more cool I would be pretty damn popular right now.

If the camera really does add 10lbs then I'm one cock shot away from a new profession

I think this girls snapper has more hair than Robin Williams' taint

Whenever I get out of my car and leave it running I always rip ass first. If someone wants to steal it I'm going to make them suffer.

If popeye hadn't gotten me hooked on spinach at such an early age I don't think I would have done as many hardcore drugs growing up

I want to fuck you so hard your gynecologist is going to need therapy