Wake up, no text from boyfriend, he must be sleeping in another girls bed. Turn into a dragon. Burn shit -- women in relationships, probably

Pick up lines are more effective when you have a gun

1. Go to beach 2. Get jellyfish 3. Throw jellyfish at a cute guy 4. Piss on cute guy 5. Get married and babies and stuff

Love means never having to hide your Star Wars toys

I'll steal your anal virginity. I don't care!

When one whore closes, another one opens

Sometimes I like to throw a handful of thumbtacks at people and yell "a tack! A tack!"

I wish saying "lick my clit" was as effective as "suck my dick" as an insult :(

I'm so close to 200 followers, giving up my social life has totally been worth it :D

Fuck me until it sound like stirring Mac n cheese

If you send me a pic of your wiener, note that it immediately gets sent to my girl friend

Cat: meow
Me: meow
Cat: ... Meow
Me: MEOW
Cat: mew
Me: MEOW
cat: ....
Me: MEOW MEOW MEOW
I win

Sext: when you fall asleep, I'm going to chew on your hair and bleat like the sexy goat I want to be

What do you mean "twerking" doesn't mean tweeting at work?...
.... It means what? ...
....That's fucking stupid

there comes a time in our lives when we must ask ourselves "guess what?" and we must answer with "chicken butt"

Indian selling necklaces: the turtle means long life, the bear is courage, the arrow head is protection
Me: what's Hello Kitty mean?

I would never turn my back on you guys, mostly cuz I know what you sick fucks would do to my backside

I don't know what a "bath" is, but you sound excited about it, so it must be good. OH GOD YOU LIED TO ME HUMAN-- dogs

Did Justin Timberlake ever bring sexy back? Or is it still lost in the woods somewhere?

I'm not saying I WOULD kill you, I'm just saying I know HOW I would kill you