Of the infinite number of parallel universes, we get stuck in the one with the Jonas Brothers.

My son poked my fat stomach with his finger and called me 'Poke E Mom'.
Yeah, ha ha, I'm REALLLY gonna miss that kid.

The great thing about small boobs is that I can skip the regular mammogram and just run 'em through the fax machine.

Classmate: What do you call that tea that makes you feel better...is it chamomile?
Me: I call it Vicodin.

Whenever I feel like I'm starting to lose my mind, I just run a few ideas by my cat and then I feel better.

Cnn just reported that 90% of Democrats approve of President Obama, and 85% of Republicans disapprove. Also, the Earth is still spinning.

When Larry King falls asleep, I bet his wife puts him on the porch as Halloween decor.

My 15 year old thinks that Bieber should be added to the dictionary, as 'a man with no nuts'. Please pass me my parenting ribbon.

I'm not up on ALL the teen lingo, but I'm pretty sure that "It's nice to meet you, Ma'am" is code for "Your daughter has great Mazungas".

Sorry for the absence, my tweeties. My hubs and kids cooked their own dinner, and I've been unfreezing hell with a blowtorch ever since.

Why yes, officer, it was self-defense. He came downstairs on my birthday and asked: "What's for dinner?"

When you star a tweet with a typo in it, it tells me that (A) you accept my faults, and (B) you're too wasted to notice.

We get to meet our daughter's new boyfriend today. I hope this cattle prod makes me look friendly.

Eeny Meany Miney Mo,
Catch a Tiger with his 'Ho.

Because I look really sexy in black, Hubs set his cellphone to ring the Darth Vader theme music whenever I call him.

It's really hard to do yoga and write jokes when all the lights are green.

I dreamt that I was standing in front of class with a see-thru blouse and no bra on. How embarrassing! Especially since nobody noticed.

My kid got mad at me, and then un-friended me on facebook. Fine! She can get her OWN Cocoa Pebbles for dinner from now on.

Speed Hump: What I can expect to get when Hubby returns from his business trip.

Albuquerque women are celebrating Breast Cancer Awareness with a bra parade. There's C cups, and D cups, and mine, the teacups.