Judge Judy rushed to the hospital today with nausea, after hearing the one millionth guy say, "I thought she bought me the car as a gift."

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, "EARTHQUAKE!" Sadly, like many, she's not prepared

BF wants to set a trap for the mouse that just ran by. I wanna cut a hole in the wall & put mice-sized furniture for him & his family.

Omg, there is a big big black bug crawling around on my desk. Don't worry, I'd be just as scared if it were a big white bug.

If you dance like no one's watching you, you will never get laid.

North Carolina bans gay marriage.They prefer fave son John Edward's style marriage of impregnating gf behind cancer stricken wife's back.

Just found out they're using Dick Cheney's old heart to freeze warts off people who can't afford health insurance.

It's weird, but a lot of people in my dreams wave at me like they know me.

WTF?! Prez Obama signed a bill that horse meat is now for human consumption?! I would eat a stock broker burger before eating a horse.

I hate waking up in the pitch dark & frantically looking around for a tiny sliver of light, so I know I didn't suddenly go blind.

One rule I learned real fast on favstar. NEVER uses lol. It garners the same writers' disdain as "Just kidding!" used to get.

When Michael Phelps wakes up in the AM, he'll realize it was all a dream & he's really a dentist in Peoria who occasionally wins at Bingo.

Nowadays kids are named Blue & dogs are named Steve. So kids have dog names & dogs have kid names. But politicians are still Dicks.

Whenever someone tweets, "Pay $12 & get a 1000 followers!" I unfollow & replace them with 1000 funny people.

If they want to be my friend, I take them out for Indian food. If they pick all the paneer out of the spinach for themselves, it's a no.

How many hookers in Japan are named Pearl Harbor? They're all 83 now.

Army of ants in kitchen! My bf told me to draw a chalk line that they won't cross. Then my ants' boyfriends told THEM about the chalk.

Rick Perry ad: We allow gays in the military but don't let kids celebrate xmas in school. Newt ad: Allow kids in military & Perry is gay.

Punxsutawney Phil predicts 6 more weeks of winter while early spring has started. Phil offered early retirement. Groundhog job outsourced.

Rick Santorum drops out. Family returns home to put on prairie dresses & churn butter. Middle son revisits plan to shoot up college campus