"PART TIME RELIGION IS
LIKE PART TIME WORK
IT WONT SUPPORT YOU"

Church signs, usually trying too hard & unfunny, are the original Twitter

"I'm not here to make friends" : Reality TV :: "Hike" : Football :: "I'm retiring to spend more time with my family" : Politics

What's more pathetic: a man with only one friend or that man's friend? My cans of Red Bull and Five Hour Energy would like to know.

@hidepon__ Hundreds. Also hundreds from people tweeting w/ censored swears (e.g. "F@ck!"). Thanks for letting me know the source of my agony

Lady Justice, a huge fan of favoriting, clearly paused Polanski's day of reckoning for decades to allow for Twitter's creation.

"I just ordered a pizza on my iPhone!"
"Oh."
"No, I used an app!"
"I figured. I know you couldn't have called in your order: you have AT&T."

Obama talked a lot about giving people choices. And he's already delivering: do I continue watching his address or switch to Glee?

Really excited to watch Obama play Rock Band: Beatles in front of a joint session of Congress tonight.

As a liberal, I find the worst part of liberal call-in talk radio is that well-meaning, tedious, crazy liberals call in & talk on the radio.

It seems like every year jokes appear earlier and earlier about how it seems like every year Christmas stuff appears earlier and earlier.

Now that Obama has won reëlection, let’s all email him seven times every day offering him a chance to win dinner with us.

Dear George Lucas,
Less change please.
Sincerely,
The World


Dear Barack Obama,
More change please.
Sincerely,
The World

Is the next Improv Everywhere mission letting people go to a grocery store or food court and having an ordinary, uneventful time?

I bet that school children behaved better during Obama's speech yesterday than some GOP members of Congress behaved tonight.

Ever since the color blue identified Democrats, I've been shocked that Republicans haven't demanded blue's removal from the American flag.

Ladies: if your husband lets you watch the debate, keep a pen and paper handy to take Ryan’s dictation on what you should do with your body.

Would not be surprised if tonight's 9th Republican debate is interrupted halfway through for the beginning of the 10th.

Blended margaritas are ideal for watching the House HCR debate: blend during GOP speeches (drowns them out) & drink during Dem. speeches.

Fox just typeset "World Series: Game 4" in Papyrus. I assume they did it to distract us from Fox's announcers ("each team is trying to win")

I'm a federalist because I want the gov't to have the power, w/o stretching the Commerce Clause, to mandate that everyone must watch Glee.