It doesn't matter what you say to drugs, if you're talking to them, it's too late.

You know that Black box in the plane that remembers everything that went wrong and can withstand fire? They made my mom out of that.

Maybe hell is just an eternity of feeling a hair in your mouth and not being able to get it out.

Remember when tweets were super long and you only followed one person at a time and had to read them on paper and they were called "books"?

Summary of life: Birth WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT Disappointment Death.

If you were to lay all the veins in a persons body out, end to end, you'd get arrested.

If you wanna see a story where the bad guys win, take a look around you. It's called Life.

Now that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett have split, I guess he'll have to move in with his aunty and uncle in Bel-Air for a while.

The first rule of wheelchair club is you do not walk about at wheelchair club.

I'm just a boy, standing in front of a girl,an old lady,a guy in overalls,a businessman and another girl.I seem to be in some sort of queue.

Women are fascinating creatures that live primarily on compliments and chocolate.They can often be found in their natural habitat, The Sale.

LMFAO has broken up because certain members were found only to be ROFL'ing and sometimes even barely LOL'ing.

People are 70% water. The person you love is pretty much a lettuce.

If you suspect a close friend is using drugs, find out why they aren't sharing them with you, perhaps you aren't close friends at all.

I'm not crying about Steve Jobs, I just got something in my i.

Before making fun of midgets, walk a mile in their shoes. And those tiny little pants too. Take pictures.

I wish I had autocorrect for my mouth. That way I would have told that bouncer to "Go to he'll you ducking can't!" and we'd all laugh.

Being the first person to die must have been confusing like "Dude what are you doing?" "I dunno I think I'm gonna nap but it feels...bigger"

I always tell everyone I'm eating for two and then stroke my belly. That's where my sadness lives. I think it's a girl.

Everybody calm down! I called Julian Assange and he said he's got this. #Blacktuesday #POIB