It doesn't matter what you say to drugs, if you're talking to them, it's too late.

You know that Black box in the plane that remembers everything that went wrong and can withstand fire? They made my mom out of that.

Maybe hell is just an eternity of feeling a hair in your mouth and not being able to get it out.

Remember when tweets were super long and you only followed one person at a time and had to read them on paper and they were called "books"?

The first rule of wheelchair club is you do not walk about at wheelchair club.

If you were to lay all the veins in a persons body out, end to end, you'd get arrested.

If you wanna see a story where the bad guys win, take a look around you. It's called Life.

Summary of life: Birth WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT Disappointment Death.

I'm just a boy, standing in front of a girl,an old lady,a guy in overalls,a businessman and another girl.I seem to be in some sort of queue.

Women are fascinating creatures that live primarily on compliments and chocolate.They can often be found in their natural habitat, The Sale.

Before making fun of midgets, walk a mile in their shoes. And those tiny little pants too. Take pictures.

I wish I had autocorrect for my mouth. That way I would have told that bouncer to "Go to he'll you ducking can't!" and we'd all laugh.

I always tell everyone I'm eating for two and then stroke my belly. That's where my sadness lives. I think it's a girl.

Now that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett have split, I guess he'll have to move in with his aunty and uncle in Bel-Air for a while.

Just heard my pot call my kettle black which is retarded because it's clearly white and these drugs are really strong I can't feel my face.

"What do we want!?"

"A CURE FOR ALZHEIMER'S!"

"When do we want it!?"

"A CURE FOR ALZHEIMER'S!"

Being the first person to die must have been confusing like "Dude what are you doing?" "I dunno I think I'm gonna nap but it feels...bigger"

Wanna see me come out of my shell? - Ninja Turtle at a bar

I'm not crying about Steve Jobs, I just got something in my i.

Just saw a woman so ugly, I felt nauseous when I fantasised about her.