I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind

Stars are free! You tight fisted cunts! Stars are fucking FREE!!

I'll bet your mother regrets not swallowing you when she had the chance.

Don't drink and drive your car christmas. I drank last night, then took the bus home. First time I'd ever driven a bus.

If you say "catch" before throwing a bowling ball at someone's head, they can't sue you.

Please could you RT this so it get in my ex's TL, thanks.

(look at me now cunt, fucking look at me! I'm flying!)

Favstar would be better if you couldn't see who tweeted it. Then lets see who wins the popularity contest.

I like to do my bit for the homeless.

Just helped one guy find a vein.

I'd love to meet a guy who'd say in the middle of shagging me 'STOP, hammer time!' and then bang the fuck out of me

Men, don't be jealous because we have two holes to fart out of.

To be honest, I can't even orgasm no more unless I have 2 cocks up my arse and a gun down my throat.

Never look down on anybody, unless you are recieving oral sex.

Remember folks, everyone that has ever starred your tweet has done so because they want to FUCK YOU.

My boyfriend just put a load into the dishwasher, but I wish he wouldn't call me that.

I have massive tits, I make amazing sandwiches and I'm really good at Call of Duty. Unfortunately, my name's Adam and I'm a fat cunt.

A good thing about Twitter is that you can't hear people not laughing at your joke.

I wear my skinny jeans so tight you can see where I'm at in my ovarian cycle.

You know I mean business if I tie my hair back before going down on you.

If you ignore me, I'll find others to adore me.

Girls, stop kidding yourselves. You have no idea what horny is until you get to 30.