Out of all the gruesome noises coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most troubling.

When anyone says to me "I need to talk to you", every bad thing I've ever done in my life flashes before my eyes.

Why talk on the phone for 5 minutes when we can have the exact same conversation via text over the next 10 hours?!

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

If I were a waitress, I'd be planting fake engagement rings in every girl's food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

Me: I can't stand this song

My brain: that's too bad, bc I just memorized all the words to it and you'll be singing it nonstop for a week

I love those tweets with the asterisks, I just wish I was better* at them.

*Better

If I ever get a 50 star tweet, I'm going to move to Hollywood and just do the whole Twitter thing full time.

I just said “bless you” to the automatic air freshener. Living alone is neat

Oh you’re a model? Which agency? Instagram?

Congrats on having your baby!! I’ll stop by when I’m done sleeping through the night and spending money on myself.

I guess my favorite part about shaving my legs is getting to ride in the ambulance afterward.

Honestly, the only time I'm on fb is to search for mean girls from high school and make sure they got fat.

1. Woke up.

2. Heard a lady pronounce the "L" in "half".

3. Jail.

Keep scrolling, I got nothin.

I don't know if my hand even works without my phone in it.

Woah, woah. So you're telling me there are people who purposely have children?

Sorry I missed your call. I was busy figuring out what my excuse would be for not answering your call.

French fry salt in the bed is a cheap exfoliater. This and other beauty tips brought to you by poverty.

If you don't still walk around on your furniture because the carpet is hot lava, then when did your life get so miserable!?!?