I'm only embarrassed of my google history because it's just a bunch of words I can't spell.

If the drapes matched the carpet, most women would be bald or have mohawks.

When all else fails, start the fuck over.

You shouldn't date someone that doesn't get your twitter humor.

My closet should be on Hoarders. Fell in looking for second shoe. 45 minutes later I had to cut my left arm off with a plastic hanger.

Could you please tell your baby to stop coughing so loudly? I'm trying to have a relaxing cigarette break over here.

You know you're drunk when the cat barks.

You realize some of you fellas block your own cocks.

If you're going to take me on a date to a karaoke bar, we better have sex before we go because I'm going to leave you there.

Fellas, if you wait until her funeral to send her flowers, you'll probably not get a "thank you" blow job out of it.

I know what I deserve and it's better.

If you do kegels in pajama jeans with a camel toe while eating bacon, you're a living tweet.

Damn it, my rape whistle is filled with sperm again.

I only want a nice guy who will make me walk funny.

Funny how men on twitter no longer star your tweets once they know you'll never send them a boobie pic.

Twitter is for people who spend too much time in their own heads.

I'm guilty.

I jogged two days in a row and I feel great! Clear breathing.

I can totally smoke cigarettes faster and everything.

I'm pretty sure Twitter is owned by a firm of divorce lawyers.

We all whore ourselves out for something. Sex is the least of it.

It's important to pay attention to what people don't say.