My safe word is "I wanna have your babies."

The best friends are the ones that when you ask for their help, the first question they ask is if they need to bring a weapon.

When texting my Mexican friend, I sometimes throw in an upside down exclamation point so he understands what I'm saying.

The way I am shoving this cold pizza in my face while giggling at fart jokes just proves that the only reason I am not a man is my vagina.

My ADHD is so bad that my distractions are distracted by my distractions.

Truth is, Little Debbie is a cross-dressing midget named Dan who has a fat man fetish.

So you seriously didn't pick up on the crazy? You're shocked that they aren't at ALL who they say they are? Oooh. You're new here, huh?

My mom sent me a text that said “Pollen level is 9238” so yes. Adults over 50 SHOULD be banned from IPhones.

18 son is plastering 16 daughter's walls with 70's porn mag pics as payback. Who the fuck raised these children?? Oh. Me. Nice work, me.

I keep begging my doctor to PLEASE put me on bedrest, and he's all "You're not even pregnant" so I'm all "THANK GOD!"& go back to no sex.

My brain-to-laughing-hysterically filter completely disappears when someone trips and falls.

The way this woman is squealing outside of my office, I take it people still get excited about other people getting married?? I had no clue.

I would rather dive into a cherry Icee and encounter a full body brain freeze, than walk outside today and feel the exact same thing.

Officer, why do they call them "cups" if I can't put Margaritas and a straw in my bra when it's 100 damn degrees out?

Today has been brought to you by the words "Fuck", "This", and "Shit".

I am kind of sad that no one indian leg wrestles to settle disputes anymore. It would make work so much more fun.

My aspirations to only have booty calls was left behind with my 20's, right next to the gravity that held my tits up.

The only time begging for sex works is when he's cuffed to my bed.

I just told 18yo son to be careful because the soup was hot, blew on it, then went ahead and cut the ambilical cord.

Ever just wanna round house kick someones irritating laugh right out of their throat?? I do. Right now.