Don’t be a Richard.

You haven’t met a true Enemy until you’ve met my friend, Insomnia.

Just when you think you’re fucking awesome at something, there’s some prick out there who will unexpectedly prove you wrong.

I’m a wiseass, not a jackass.

Abuse substances, not Women.

When I say “No Hurry”, what I actually mean is “Hurry the Fuck Up or I’ll die of an anxiety attack”.

Call me “old fashioned”, but I like to do drugs when I play drinking games.

Watching an Asian woman trying to drive a car is like watching a man trying to use a Tampon.

Twitter: Treating Schizophrenia and Insomnia since 2006.

I think Ebonics are more contagious than the flu.

Hugs are only cool if you’re naked.

Jesus definitely would have wanted me to be this drunk of his birthday.

I just had the most terrible fucking nightmare!

It was that my family Christmas party didn't have any booze involved this year.

My friend just wrapped up Q-tips for his girlfriend for Xmas. So remember Ladies, things could be worse for you.

The only present I want from Santa Claus this year is to not wake up blind from a hangover tomorrow.

Everyone in the card aisle at CVS has that slacker look of panic on their faces right now…including me.

I love playing games on the “honor system”.


It’s so easy to cheat and win.

I’m gonna watch ‘Armageddon' all night long in honor of the Mayans.

I’m not sure of that was a urinal or a sink, but either way…. Mission Accomplished.

My ability to suppress an impulse is the same as an elderly Asian woman’s ability to drive.

Non-existent.