The difference between twitter and cocaine is you get more sleep on cocaine.

This weekend when the priest got to the part where he said "thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife", I remembered where I left my wallet.

Son,I know you won't believe this but back in the day, before they had stars people had to get together in large groups and laugh aloud.

I'm not a Doctor but I play one on match.com.

Do committed green gals use solar powered vibrators & do they need 2 masturbate near a southfacing window & where is that particular window?

Teach a man to tweet and he'll never fish again.

Before twitter most of you got your Canadian facts from South Park.

"It took a village to raise me." ~ Some Idiot

Hey religious wackjobs consider this. Before twitter I didn't know any gay people at all. Now I know a ton of them & they all really rock.

My regular life is starting to interfere with twitter.

If I don't get a lot of followers soon my Mom's going to make me quit twitter & move back into facebook with her & Dad. I am so humiliated.

I want 2 thank nobody for TotD today again.

Life's a bitch and then you tweet.

I'm shallow, vulgar, unmotivated and angry. Why don't I have more followers?

First line from my new rap song: I'm a winner not a quitter like to tweet from my shitter

I love twitter because, you know, Stockholm Syndrome.

This morning they were out of cinnamon buns at the coffee shop so I asked for an antonym bun. I hate when people roll their eyes.

Shuck Fit Ciss Punt - Dyslexic Tourettes Sufferer

It's true about the correlation between dick size & feet. For example, folks who have huge carbon foot prints are generally major big dicks.

"Let's order in Canadian food tonight" ~ Never been said by anyone, anywhere, ever including in Canada.