"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats."
~ H. L. Mencken

I used to ski for fun, now I just watch ski movies, and think about the good old days. Fuck..... I'm getting old.

Just in case you ever need to know,
69 x 2 =138.

Or by my math,
69 x 2 = 1 good fucking time.

I only thing I've done today is gain weight.

My hairstyle today is freshly fucked.

Where can I apply for the "Professional Jerk" position? My resume kicks ass.

SmartCar, curing the backseat baby since day one.

Female legs and a Taco Stand, could be the same thing.

I've got pretty good taste in porn.

Tomorrow is going to be great, at work I'm not responding to anyone who doesn't speak in Jive-Talk. Shhiiiiitt cracker.

If I had enough game to get several women to marry me, you can bet your ass that they wouldn't dress like pioneers.
#PolygamistsHaveNoStyle

@shanethevein Oh fuck, I didn't realize...

I like my dinner how I like my women; hot and ready when I get home.

The i in iPhone does not stand for innocent.

@mccpeggy
As long as you didn't have to share it you're in good shape....no witnesses, no worries.

All I want for Christmas is the Barbie with the Kung Fu Cock Grip.

If you have a guest room at your house, and you don't refer to it as the sex room, you're doing it wrong.

@4thquatrain

I've tried that, it didn't work, my past self was too stoned to get it.

After all these years, can't the Chef at Boyardee figure our how to keep his shit from tasting like metal??? WTF

@faux_ma

Except I've never stuck diamonds on EVERYTHING in the house. Fucking.Stickers.Everywhere.