More hot women should use the phrase "fuck me" and Gordan Ramsey should STOP using it.

Stick and stones may break my bones but I'd rather find out what kind of damage your pubic bone could do to my face.

How effective are suicide nets? Do jumpers just change their mind after that initial drop?

I don't like to talk about follower counts and shit, but if any of you need an excuse to blaze one, I just hit 420.

Crisis? No, not really. I like to think of it as more of a mid life celebration.

I may have to block some twitter time on my calendar, all this work is getting in the way of reading your tweets.

You know how you get grossed out by sitting in a still warm recently occupied seat? I just had to do that 12 times to update office PCs. YUK

Thanks for calling me "sir" hot young check out girl, now I feel like a complete creep for checking out your ass.

I tweet whatever nonsense I feel like spouting and never get blocked/unfollowed, so no one is listening? Except you, thanks for the stars.

ok, I am fucked up. I have 4 oz glass of scotch and and a mug of Spaten in front of me. Going to play some cards. Be back in about $100.

Government is here to protect people's right to pursue happiness unless that happiness runs contrary to traditional nuclear family archetype

I love playing games. Billiards, chess, golf, poker, but I won't play head games with you for any stakes, especially our hearts.

You call it attitude, I call it the most annoying expression of irrationality I have ever seen.

Whatever is wrong with Ted Nugent is not a small thing.

Secret Service disappointed by lack of prostitutes on Ted Nugent's ranch during investigation.

I think Bryant Gumble's wig maker is a genius. Which is WAY more than I can say for the rest of these commentators.

This may be a warning sign. When I wake up from passing out, I immediately try to figure out how much trouble I am in.

I got a very confusing fortune cookie today, because wisdom, skill and virtue really have no place in the same sentence with me and bed.

For about the 10,000th time, they are not lies. Just extravagant exaggerations.

There's something about yawning>stretching that causes me to have temporary bouts of Tourette's Syndrome.