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Can you help me with this chair?
(Gets in van, ends up in hole)
It puts the lotion on its skin.
Is there wifi in jail?
I'm out late, not real drunk, so that's just stupid.
I don't like chicks who say they need a man to do something for them. I'm more of a anything you can do, I can do better, type of girl.
"Me hungry for the ganja sticks. Yum, yum, yum, yum."
Going to bed when you're married is the final ninja boss at the dojo. You must brush your teeth, piss, wash without awakening the dragon
With the amount of time Marco Polo spent in the water,
That dude must've been pruny as fuck.
I've given up on being funny. I just want to make everyone uncomfortable
Why isn't "Cats" just the cat version of "The Birds"?
I worried I was getting the bowel cancer from the sugar cubes I was eating. I would die sad and alone like those kids in Reader's Digest.
The Bible is sado-masochistic porn in disguise.
Enjoy your fetishes you religious fanatic fuckheads.
You can't control everything that happens to you, but you can control how you choose to react. These are words to live by, and that's real.
X Tip for Women: Don't piss off Wolverine if he is fingering you.
I can tell I'm going senile because I'm starting to mix up my "heehee's" with my "shamon's."
I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.
Ogling the racks of cigarettes in the mini-mart this morning didn't help much with the nicotine-urge battle I'm still fighting
Taking self-deprecation to a new level by revisiting my tweets and ridiculing them in my head
having curly hair is literally a job.
Fat fucking prick asshole, that is your fucking job! Just because you aren't capable of doing it doesn't make it someone else's job!
lf you can only be good at one thing, be good at cheating....because if you're good at cheating, you're good at everything.