I could suggest a couple of people you should unfollow on this fine Friday if you'd like.

It must take a lot of energy, being such a sad hateful cuntbag.

I possess enough of a vocabulary to abstain from profanity when communicating, but why the fuck would I do that, ya fucking cocksuckers...

Time heals all wounds. But 'ain't nobody got time for dat, so vodka.

There's a fine line between flirting and being creepy and it almost always involves a photo of a penis.

How quickly your life can change from one moment to the next.

Live for now; you never know what the winds of change will bring

Ladies...

To succeed, don't try being better than men, just be the best you can be.

And you'll probably end up being better than men.

I called you lunatics "pilgrims". That was freakin' adorable of me. I could have called you lunatics.

When I was your age, we were lucky to get gluten.

When my 5 year old goes strawberry picking he eats some while loading up his basket, which is similar to when I put beer in the fridge.

♡♤True love
is love

that gives
of itself

without
questions asked

Unconditionally♡♤

How sweet. Look at you sitting in the grass playing with your kids.

I’m about to make you move so fast you’ll pull a hamstring.

-Spiders

May you one day find a person who can look past the fact that your stupidity outweights any redeeming qualities you have.

Resist and multiply. Trust me.

Depression hurts. But getting a trampoline might help?

My mistake was coming up with an idea that would appeal to any reasonable person. Obviously, it had no effect on my wife.

Love all intelligence, but really appreciate creative intelligence & knowing that we know nothing, but we can try to understand it better.

Maybe the only way to cherish what you have is to act like it's broken or lost.

I'll fake a Ha! But never a Hoo-ah! That's how I roll, pilgrims. That's how I roll.

That never happened to me, obviously. Don't be gross.