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Drinking frappuccino while doing the deuce
Frapping and Crapping
There's an app for that
I hate when I have a sex dream about my ex and I have to force myself back to sleep so I can bite his head off like a praying mantis after.
When my favorite tweeters are tweeting, it's like a sunny day in my brain
I don't have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills which have never earned me any money.
The only thing worse than eye contact is watching Grandma try to open her email.
I'll drink to *that
Sorry I punched you in the throat, but you looked like you were going to say something.
I wish retweeting burned calories
i need friends that are drug dealers
My favourite people are the ones that let me go sift and sort through their minds, knowing I'll always be surprised.
attracted to you
and all the things that you do
Carried my 3 year old for 2 kilometres and she talked about everything in the world except the fact that her shoe fell off at the 1st metre.
Someone should tell joggers about couches.
*grabs flashlight, magazine, spit cup, moist towelettes, tree stump, forceps, ice pack & cold pizza*
*shits in neighbor's yard*
I play a sane person in real life.
I'm so out of it today that I just realized I'm in this house by myself and I'm watching Dora
Do me a solid if you have FavStar pro and click on my 'oldest tweets', then star the best one so I can pinpoint where my descent began.
The iPhone 6 is gonna have 4.7/5.5 screen sizes so they can compete w/the Galaxy?
Jobs must be dancing in his grave. He'd never allow this.
A group of responsibilities is called a no thanks.
When I piss excellence, it smells nothing like asparagus pee.
lf you can only be good at one thing, be good at cheating....because if you're good at cheating, you're good at everything.