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I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Why do kids' birthday parties need a theme? How about - congrats on ruining your parents’ lives and have some cake, you ungrateful fuck?
“Use divorce, Luke.” – Obi Wan, marriage counselor
Your sign says “God Bless America” but I bet you really mean “I hate Mexicans and black people”.
Hey white people born in America, you already won the lottery.
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
The longer you leave me unattended in the doctor's office, the more of these tongue depressers I can lick and put back in the jar.
My wife is one of those people who can read five books at the same time but I can barely finish the one I'm coloring.
To celebrate the 4th, I’m gonna borrow money from my Chinese friends and beat up some Middle Easterners for reasons I don’t understand.
50,000 stars. If my grandpa were alive, he'd say, “Why are you collecting stars? Are you gay? Edna, I was right about gay boy over here”.
Please don't start calling me 'hero' but this lady collapsed at the grocery store and I was the first one to call for a clean up in Aisle 3.
Hey people smarter than me on Twitter, stop making me Google shit.
I like to knock on random doors and say, “Hi, my name is Current Resident and I understand you're the bastard that's been opening my mail.”
Let’s recap. Using a puppy to pick up girls – good. Using a baby – even better. Babies in a stagecoach pulled by puppies – too far
That's weird. I just bought the "Best of Limp Bizkit" CD and it's blank.
Uh, no thanks, bartender. Real men don’t use straws in their Shirley Temples.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat my wife.” – Matthew Broderick
My son has two HotWheel cars, one behind the other, and is yelling, “Go, dumbass!” If I don’t win Father of the Year, I quit.
Man, I thought my tweet was pretty good but when you added the "Ha! RT:" in front of it, YOU put it over the top. Thanks, bro.
You guys, it may be the beer talking but OH MY GOD THE BEER IS TALKING. SHUT UP, BEER. I’M TRYING TO TALK TO THE SOFA.
Is the piano a string instrument or a percussion instrument? The surprising answer - no one gives a crap.