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Why do kids' birthday parties need a theme? How about - congrats on ruining your parents’ lives and have some cake, you ungrateful fuck?
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
“Use divorce, Luke.” – Obi Wan, marriage counselor
Hey white people born in America, you already won the lottery.
Your sign says “God Bless America” but I bet you really mean “I hate Mexicans and black people”.
The longer you leave me unattended in the doctor's office, the more of these tongue depressers I can lick and put back in the jar.
My wife is one of those people who can read five books at the same time but I can barely finish the one I'm coloring.
To celebrate the 4th, I’m gonna borrow money from my Chinese friends and beat up some Middle Easterners for reasons I don’t understand.
Please don't start calling me 'hero' but this lady collapsed at the grocery store and I was the first one to call for a clean up in Aisle 3.
Hey people smarter than me on Twitter, stop making me Google shit.
I like to knock on random doors and say, “Hi, my name is Current Resident and I understand you're the bastard that's been opening my mail.”
Let’s recap. Using a puppy to pick up girls – good. Using a baby – even better. Babies in a stagecoach pulled by puppies – too far
50,000 stars. If my grandpa were alive, he'd say, “Why are you collecting stars? Are you gay? Edna, I was right about gay boy over here”.
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
That's weird. I just bought the "Best of Limp Bizkit" CD and it's blank.
Uh, no thanks, bartender. Real men don’t use straws in their Shirley Temples.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat my wife.” – Matthew Broderick
My son has two HotWheel cars, one behind the other, and is yelling, “Go, dumbass!” If I don’t win Father of the Year, I quit.
You guys, it may be the beer talking but OH MY GOD THE BEER IS TALKING. SHUT UP, BEER. I’M TRYING TO TALK TO THE SOFA.
Man, I thought my tweet was pretty good but when you added the "Ha! RT:" in front of it, YOU put it over the top. Thanks, bro.
Is the piano a string instrument or a percussion instrument? The surprising answer - no one gives a crap.