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She was all like "put another finger in" and I was like "I only have ten"
An 'overdose' is what happens when you suck at taking drugs.
Before Twitter, I used to write all this shit down on Post-It notes and leave them around the city.
I only smoke because there's a small chance it will kill everybody around me.
She was like "I'm not sleeping in the wet spot" and I was like "you're not sleeping here at all, dummy"
If by 'prince charming' you meant 'chronic masturbater with commitment issues', look no further.
Imagine what Twitter would be like if it was full of tasteless assholes all trying to outdo each other.
You're wasting your 140 characters if you're trying to change the world. Use it for filth and filth only.
Just when I think I'm starting to fall in love with you, I ejaculate. And suddenly you mean nothing to me.
When I expose my dick on the bus, it's because I want someone to suck it, not scream and call the police.
For a dollar a day, I can adopt a dying black kid covered in flies or buy a fresh coffee every morning. Africa had better sweeten the deal.
Woke up this morning and there was a dead mouse on the floor. And by mouse I mean hooker.
She told me she wanted to be "treated like a princess" so I drove us into oncoming traffic and she went through the windshield and died.
Twitter has proven to me that saying traditionally unacceptable things is a great way to make friends.
She's wearing her "drug my drink and fuck me behind the dumpster" dress.
Unprotected sex can be hazardous to your wealth.
I don't understand a girl who gets mad when you cum in her mouth. Didn't she just spend the last few minutes trying to suck it out of you?
Does this turban make me look explosive?
No, that hooker is not planking, she's dead.
At the end of the day, I'm just another guy trying to stick my dick into you.