"Wow, I love your lip ring!"-no one

Never trust someone who abbreviates tomorrow as "tmrw."

URGENT quick question before I follow through with something: will I be able to maintain my beard in prison?

Just saw the HBO doc 'How To Die In Oregon' -- make no mistake, its one of the most difficult to watch - but its also surprisingly uplifting

Got this from @marylandmudflap today.
Thanks for taking a beating for the ol' bike, pal. #shiteaters pic.twitter.com/txNiLgam

I just cleaned my glasses for the first time in a week. Yep, everyone is still ugly. #easttexas

I just had a Welch's furit snack that didn't have a grape in it. It must be my lucky day.

Can we all agree to call him "The Artist Formerly Known as Snoop Dogg"? Because there's absolutely no way I'm using that other name.

You know you're a 90's kid when..... you don't shut the hell up about it.

McDonald's Dollar Menu: for when you're low on cash and don't love yourself.

I'm the loser who leaves the bar at 11:30

911 I'm stuck in a group message. Send backup.

I wish I could reflect back on high school and remember accomplishments other than receiving ISS for putting fake shit on the floor.

Life is too short to listen to bad music.

I think it's time to retire the "To heat, or eat" billboard, ETX.

I'm thinking about calling 9-1-1 to complain about catching the same redlight everyday.

In honor of those 12 who died trying to watch TDKR, I will watch it 12 times, once for every life lost. 

Just saw someone arguing on a flip phone. I can tell you, that is their number 1 problem. #tuesdays

I assure you, DQ is NOT what I like about Texas.

I've decided against ever getting a tattoo just to avoid wanting a second shitty tattoo.