My daughter told me she wants a diarrhea for her bday and I'm all, "Ew!" and she's like "I can write my secrets in it!" and I'm all "EWWW!"

Imagine seeing a squirrel in a tree with a big ol' squirrel boner and he's listening to U2's "Zooropa" on a Walkman. What's your fantasy?

I'm kind of on the fence about spying on my sunbathing neighbor.

I say Happy Holidays instead of Happy Toyotathon because I try to be respectful of other people's choice of cars.

"Most spiral-horned antelope don't care for turquoise...we plan to change that." -- Santa Fe Jewelery-Wearing Antelope Quarterly

"He was a loner. Seemed so nice. And then he dove headlong into a sea of sex and murder." - me, watching a bird in a puddle in my backyard

When I like a girl, I let her know I'm not creepy by breaking into her house and leaving 3 hand-crafted pine cone owls on her pillow.

"...but for Debbie, what started with a cute face and snack cakes, soon turned to drugs and heartaches." (Little Debbie Behind the Music)

Don't wanna sound too braggy, but this Red Lobster waiter just called me "Sir" when he asked me to put my shirt back on.

I just threw a handful of screws at a moth on the wall. #Tuesday

Remember when Topher Grace was in that....wait, who the fuck is Topher Grace?

Walking around Target and farting every third aisle is my retail therapy.

I'll probably never get to throw a crescent wrench at a gopher. :-(

FACT: Before horses were invented in 1843, most people used deaf children to pull their carts and wagons. #history

People at this bar are impressed that I can make 6 Vienna sausages disappear behind my back. *BRAAPPP!* Oops, 5 Vienna sausages.

You like apples? HOW ABOUT THESE APPLES??? No? Then how about these apples? No? You sure you like apples, dickface? - cocky apple salesman

FUN FACT: Elton John hates parrots but he does love a cockatoo. #musictrivia

"Crickets are kinda gay, God bless 'em. Well, you knew that already." - cover story in the April 2012 Christian Grasshopper Herald

Good news: The Chilean miners are finally being rescued. Bad news: They all have to go back to work tomorrow.

You mean to tell me that they spent $10 million on that Tupac hologram and they STILL couldn't pull his fucking pants up?