"Condoms are cheaper than diapers" haha well you know what's cheaper than condoms? Being unattractive lmao score one for me

"Another cute girl followed me on twitter" I whisper. The ants in my ant farm continue about their business

i before e except in Atheists because if God isn't real than neither are the basic rules of the English language

This party's POPPIN. Bottles poppin, music's poppin, ears poppin, blood vessels poppin, eyes poppin holy shit turn down the pressure in here

♪♫ I'm bringin' veggies back. Them other food groups don't know how to act. Always great for a healthy snack (TAKE EM' TO THE FRIDGE)

Face down / ass up / that's the way I cry into my pillow all night

Haha so odd when girls critique their own photos..."No makeup here...my smile is weird...can't believe my antenna are showing" lol so weird

Did any of you ever step back and think about who died for your sin? How about cos? tan? sec? csc? cot?...

How cool is it that I can browse twitter on my phone and laptop simultaneously? Also how cool is it that tears pour out both my eyes?

Yo dude check this, I've got this new first person version of instagram *puts on sunglasses* this filter is sick bro

Single Doesn't Mean I'm Looking For Somebody, I confidently remind myself as I choose the Single Player game mode in Mario Tennis

#FavoriteHighSchoolMemories Crippling Depression

Ok #atheists if God isn't real then please explain to me the Rainbow Ride level of Super Mario 64

Sext: I am up against the wall and v hard when u grab me. U pull me and I am turned on. I am literally a light switch.

It's easy to remember that compliment is spelled with an "i" because "i" never get them

Just finished the craziest book. The main character does some miracles but dies on a cross then comes back to life...hints to a sequel??

Siri how do I say Hi Haters in Swahili because these haters are bangin loud drums and smearin paint on my face

Hi, Haters? Party of four? Right this way.

So I went to see TED and overall it was bullshit, just boring nerds talking about science and stuff on a stage didn't even see the bear

Twitter is a lot like hard drugs because you get addicted and it ruins families and it destroys you from the inside out oh god please help m