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If I’m ever in a fight, you better believe I’ll be yelling the name of each move as I do it.
When I tell you I'm going to shower then head out, be sure to factor in about two hours of me sitting at my computer in a towel.
I'll fucking kill any bald eagle whose favorite song isn't the national anthem.
It's pretty easy to get dogs totally fucking pumped about stuff.
If I've learned anything from tonight's debate, it's that undecided voters are bad at reading.
"Okay—don't get cancer." (My response to "Have a safe flight.")
If your middle initial is V, I bet you constantly get mistaken for a court case.
At some point, feeling good became nothing more than not feeling bad.
Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
If I accidentally open a closet instead of the front door, I still go in like I meant it and hide until everyone leaves.
Don't be too jealous, babes, but sometimes they fill urinals with ice cubes, and we get to pee-melt them.
I should probably stop basing my perception of Brazilians on Blanka from Street Fighter II.
You lose at least 90% of your vocabulary during sex.
Writing a kids’ book about a snail who really learns to come out of his shell…then dies, because he needed that shell to survive.
Being immediately recognized and greeted by the restaurant staff has a huge range on the cool-to-sad spectrum.
If you don't have trouble sleeping, you're not overthinking enough.
It's weird how most of the time, hating yourself feels like hating everyone else.
Mistaking your bathtub for a trough urinal is way better than the other way around.
Careful, dads—don’t accidentally raise the kid who’s just a little too into karate.
"No, officer. When I said, 'Fuck The Police,' I mostly meant Sting."
Writer and performer of allegedly comedic material. Guy who's been kicked out of multiple bands.