Russia will mail you a person, they don’t give a fuck.

MAN!! My boss is always all "Blah blah blah!", "You're late!", and "Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!"

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing...

"YOU'RE ALL LESBIANS!!" -- me to a bar full of women that refused to go home with me, before I went home and cry-sturbated

THIS. IS. SPARTA! Just kidding welcome to Chili's. For one?

“THANKYOUKEN!!!” — Ryu receiving a gift.

Actually, hard work kills people all the time.

My cousin once touched my b-hole with a dandelion. Ok, now you say something.

You know your a loser when the chicks don't put any effort into their excuses anymore... I don't even think she HAS an ostrich

This duck is rapidly eating all of my bread like he doesn’t even know what carbs are.

I keep a xylophone on me at all times just incase I have to tip toe anywhere.

Truck commercials seriously overestimate my knowledge and need for “torque”

“Sometimes I jut put random things in a frying pan to see what kind of smells I can make.” — people in apartment buildings

Someone put something in front of the door and locked me in this outhouse.

I’ve been screaming the State Farm jingle for 20 minutes.

What's with all these diet commercials?? Why can't fat people just do cocaine like the rest of us?

Bitches ain’t shit except hoes and tricks and mothers and wives and doctors and construction workers and anything else they would like to be

Why would you be there with bells on? Just wear a shirt, bro.

I may not be the smartest or most handsome man around, but I’ll tell you one thing: I need to borrow some more money.

You know you're in the wrong part of town, when you start seeing pay phones.

Ever dress your pets up in sailor suits and be all like “look, it’s first class sergeant mittens, reporting for cutie” and then cry? Me too.