I get tired of women saying that they're broke and lonely. You do realize that you have a vagina. It's like a little Pink American Express

My friend that works in the ER text. "there's a hottie in here with a shampoo bottle stuck in her Vagina." Me "ask her if she's on Twitter."

Black guys handing out flyers on the street only give them to other black people. I want to get crunk at the illest party of the decade too.

I eat pineapple because my wife says it makes my cum taste yummy. My wife eats cum because I told her it makes her pussy juice taste sweet.

If you're doing it right, you're both in the wet spot.

If your woman says "lets watch some porn" let her pick it, pay attention because there is probably something she's wanting you to do to her.

I tell myself, that the followers I have that never star or retweet me, are just to shy to admit that they Love me.

I had sex 3 times this weekend and still woke up with a rock hard dick. Dicks are so greedy and selfish. I'm going to beat him for that.

You had me at "it doesn't look small to me".

Awkward moment: when your masturbating and suddenly you think, "what if my Dead grandma is watching me." And you keep going.

In Thailand, I got a blow job while I got a haircut. That's the type of cross selling we should have here. I'm 40% sure they were both women

When I see a funny & perverted tweet. The first thing that comes to mind is, check who has Retweeted it. Cuz they are my type of people.

Don't blame me for the shit I Retweet. You Fuckers wrote it.

Sexual Pleasure is the one thing a man can give a woman that almost makes up for him being a complete JackAss. Don't fuck that up too.

Last night I cooked my woman dinner, cleaned the kitchen and gave her a foot rub. Just because I'm due for a Fuck Up.

My wife and I play rock, paper, scissors to decide who's doing the dishes and giving oral.

If you put my penis up to your ear and listen, you will hear. "BITCH, GET THAT DICK BACK IN YOUR MOUTH AND SUCK IT RIGHT." Slap slap.

I always fuck my wife doggystyle on the edge of the bed, so that she is close to falling off. Because she will push back harder.

My wife's best friend is getting a divorce. In case you were wondering what I'll be talking about again tonight.

At work, I've been banned from participating in a donut day. Because of the inappropriate way I ate my jelly donut. Jealous Bitches.