I need cupcakes. Cupcakes and whiskey.

there's blood everywhere!!! ....Things not to say when the police arrive.

Life is one unpredictable motherfucker.

Things I've learned from Twitter: It's never too early to drink. Eat lots of pussy. No one sleeps. We're all fucked up. Cats own us.

You know what's better than church? Sex. Sex and donuts.

When you have no other choice...just stab someone and get it out of your system.

I wonder how my co-workers would feel if I turned my speakers up super loud and started stripping. Yes, I'm bored.

I wonder if the people who get offended by some of the jokes on Twitter actually laugh before they unfollow you.

I just don't understand why some people can't just let other people live their lives. Just let them be happy.

Advice: Next time someone is judging you...punch them in the throat and after ask "How would you judge that?..good or so-so?"

Hmm...I have everything I need except an accomplice...oh, and an alibi...

Who doesn't love after sex hair...

Two of the most important things in life...your drug dealer's phone number and sex.

I just tried to move like Jagger and I'm pretty sure I just tore my anus.

I was told that I've lost my mind...yea no fuckin' shit and it feels amazing.

Hahahahaha "Ohh they're funny!..I want a Tweeter! Make me a Tweeter!"--My mom

Ever get that feeling that you were touched by a unicorn?...

What I'm trying to say in the nicest way possible is..Fuck you.

Like my kidneys know what water is.

Pussy is a food group. I promise.