I'd probably go to AA if they didn't hold the meetings during happy hour.

Just unfollowed a lot of the big names of Twitter comedy because i was sick of their generic, low level tweets. In related news: poop

White people sure love to dance to songs that give them step by step directions.

Is anyone else having the same technical issues with Twitter, once you sign-off you're not able to find meaning in your life?

Spent my Saturday night watching Les Misérables with my Mom. I'm only 6 more cats away from my goal of being lonely forever

Why am i still single? BRB, my Mom's calling...

His mom still calls him Ludacristopher

Sock-puppet porn probably involves a lot of fingering

I bet Jim Henson was really into fisting

I just found out 'RT' isn't short for 'retarded'... Adjust your Favstar accordingly

Naturally, I assumed Father's Day would come before Mother's Day

Ok, my legs have officially lost circulation and fallen asleep. Time to wipe and continue my day

I'm glad someone decided it's socially acceptable to drink at 9am as long as you mix it with juice

My longest and most consistent relationship is with vodka

Accidentally made a deaf girl cry because she wasn't totally deaf and could hear everything i was saying about her.

I can't wait for your FourSquare update that says you're 6ft under

Which online dating site connects me with single-malt liquor in my area?

4 out of 5 doctors agree that i didn't need to be naked for that exam. Which means i might get lucky with 20% of doctors. #PlayingTheOdds

Bitches be crazy but they sure make a good sandwich

Sexual Clarification: "So, you did everything but sex or everything butt-sex?"