Don't think of it as legalizing weed in California, think of it as legalizing my spend-all-my-money-in-your-state vacation.

Getting high on life is for pussies. You need to be TRIPPING BALLS on life.

I've been casually dropping banana peels ALL DAY, and still no hilarious brutal accidents. #fml

They say that 'the pen is mightier than the sword', but I say why not carry both, just in case.

Boss asked if i started huffing whip cream cans. I was like, 'Started? More like finished!' #UpTop

Not trying to be racist here, but does anyone really like those dirty, thieving Hobbits? #GoBackToTheShire

"This concept of 'wuv' confuses and infuriates us!" - Lrrr of Omicron Persei 8

Sure it seems tough, but I don't think it's anything endless waves of ninjas couldn't take care of.

R.I.P to all those exotic animals killed in Muskingum County.

"Fall seven times, stand up eight." - Japanese Proverb

I just know the rapture will hit RIGHT when I'm done mowing the lawn. #MurphysLawOfRaptures

It's sad how often I catch women staring at my exposed brain. My eyes are down here ladies!

Yes, please! http://twitpic.com/4bk1tj

Oxygen: The Gateway Drug

Why do I raise my pinkie when I'm drinking a 40? Because I was raised with class, that's why.

How many years do I have to put up with someone having the same nagging cough before it's cool if I hope they die from it?

I want to follow you home, break in, and watch you sleep. But not like in a creepy way, just to protect you or whatever.

I hate when idiots are so stupid, that they think I'm dumb enough, to believe any of the retarded lies they are telling me.

Al Bundy for president.

I bet the stuff I do really freaks out the ghosts in my house.