@ConanOBrien’s (Conan O'Brien) best tweets

Thank God Beyonce had her baby and can go back to work. For the past 6 months that family's had to live entirely on Jay-Z's salary.

@ConanOBrien

Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

@ConanOBrien

My goldfish is either planking or dead.

@ConanOBrien

Only 364 more shopping days until Christmas.

@ConanOBrien

Hey guys, I’m starting a cool new hashtag: #tweetmeyoursocialsecuritynumber

@ConanOBrien

This morning I thought I heard a neighbor blasting that new @Skrillex song I like, but then I realized it was just the garbage truck.

@ConanOBrien

Scotch looks delicious, but then you take one sip and it tastes like a leather furniture store that's on fire.

@ConanOBrien

WARNING: This tweet is not for younger readers! OK, here we go. Tits.

@ConanOBrien

I like my women the way I like my coffee. Yup, I like blonde slutty coffee with low self esteem.

@ConanOBrien

I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.

@ConanOBrien

As I look around at everything we have, I want to thank the one who makes it all possible: China.

@ConanOBrien

I can’t believe it’s 11/11/11. Seems like just yesterday it was 11/10/11.

@ConanOBrien

Give me a call, @JustinBieber! Together we can make a fortune selling “I Can’t Belieb It’s Not Butter” to kids with high cholesterol.

@ConanOBrien

Just saw a lame white guy lip-synching a Jay-Z song as I drove past the mirror store.

@ConanOBrien

Why are people so impressed by wine cellars but so saddened by my Jagermeister crawlspace?

@ConanOBrien

My lifetime ratio of bananas purchased to bananas eaten is running about 5 to 1.

@ConanOBrien

Tis the season where we get to use the word “tis.”

@ConanOBrien

When I really need a good laugh, I just imagine Edward Scissorhands attempting to eat crab legs.

@ConanOBrien

Rick Perry is a religious, right-wing conservative who’s a former pilot and the governor of Texas. Finally! One of those!

@ConanOBrien

I just heard the sound of tinkling bells and hooves on my roof, which can only mean one thing: I’m having a stroke.

@ConanOBrien

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The voice of the people. Sorry, people.

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@ConanOBrien’s (Conan O'Brien) best tweetsMost Favorited Tweets Most Retweeted Tweets

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@ConanOBrien’s (Conan O'Brien) best tweets
Most Favorited Tweets Most Retweeted Tweets