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Absolutely stunned to hear the news about Robin Williams. It's unimaginable to me that we've lost such a genuinely funny and sweet man.
This Chick-fil-A scandal has got me worried. I want to go to Arby’s but I don’t know where they stand on the unrest in Syria.
I'm shocked. Back when Brian Williams and I killed Osama Bin Laden, he seemed like an honest guy.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
I hear the iPhone 7 is going to be a landline!
Thank God Beyonce had her baby and can go back to work. For the past 6 months that family's had to live entirely on Jay-Z's salary.
After seeing that commercial with the horse & puppy, my kids wouldn’t stop bugging me. So I caved and bought them a case of Bud.
I don’t even trust real clouds anymore.
Babies are being named after "Game of Thrones" characters? What parents would name a baby after a sword wielding, mythological character?
My goldfish is either planking or dead.
My wife and I each have a celebrity we're allowed to sleep with, no strings attached. Hers is Ryan Gosling. Mine is also Ryan Gosling.
Kanye West just ran up, grabbed my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug, and gave it to a more deserving recipient.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I just found out the “L” in Samuel L. Jackson stands for Laurence Fishburne.
I was going to buy the iPhone 6 Plus, but I already have a flat-screen TV.
Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial. Somebody help me.
My kids have really been inspired by this year's World Cup. My son just bit our dog.
When I’m in Colorado, ladies, it’s not just Mountain Time, it’s mountin’ time. My God, how do I delete this tweet?
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
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