This Chick-fil-A scandal has got me worried. I want to go to Arby’s but I don’t know where they stand on the unrest in Syria.

Thank God Beyonce had her baby and can go back to work. For the past 6 months that family's had to live entirely on Jay-Z's salary.

Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

My goldfish is either planking or dead.

It’s hard to believe that the greatest division in American politics these days is “pro-“ or “anti-Chick-fil-A.”

This morning I thought I heard a neighbor blasting that new @skrillex song I like, but then I realized it was just the garbage truck.

Only 364 more shopping days until Christmas.

Hey guys, I’m starting a cool new hashtag: #tweetmeyoursocialsecuritynumber

Scotch looks delicious, but then you take one sip and it tastes like a leather furniture store that's on fire.

WARNING: This tweet is not for younger readers! OK, here we go. Tits.

I like my women the way I like my coffee. Yup, I like blonde slutty coffee with low self esteem.

I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.

As I look around at everything we have, I want to thank the one who makes it all possible: China.

Mitt Romney is at the Olympics. Mitt said he loves watching people from other countries work for no money.

I can’t believe it’s 11/11/11. Seems like just yesterday it was 11/10/11.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say Americans should be free to marry any chicken sandwich they choose.

Give me a call, @justinbieber! Together we can make a fortune selling “I Can’t Belieb It’s Not Butter” to kids with high cholesterol.

Twitter is a nonstop series of pointless arguments by people I don’t care about. It's like Thanksgiving.

Just saw a lame white guy lip-synching a Jay-Z song as I drove past the mirror store.

Why are people so impressed by wine cellars but so saddened by my Jagermeister crawlspace?