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Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Thank God Beyonce had her baby and can go back to work. For the past 6 months that family's had to live entirely on Jay-Z's salary.
After seeing that commercial with the horse & puppy, my kids wouldn’t stop bugging me. So I caved and bought them a case of Bud.
This Chick-fil-A scandal has got me worried. I want to go to Arby’s but I don’t know where they stand on the unrest in Syria.
My goldfish is either planking or dead.
I just found out the “L” in Samuel L. Jackson stands for Laurence Fishburne.
Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial. Somebody help me.
When I’m in Colorado, ladies, it’s not just Mountain Time, it’s mountin’ time. My God, how do I delete this tweet?
A survey found that, on Valentine’s Day, men spend $87.00 more than women. I.e., a survey found that, on Valentine’s Day, men spend $87.00.
Americans now read Facebook more than the Bible. I guess nobody wants to read about a guy who could only come up with 12 friends.
I’ve already broken my New Year’s Resolution to not camp out on Jennifer Lawrence’s driveway.
I just found out my autocorrect has been programmed by John Travolta.
Just once in my life, I’d like to know the sweet satisfaction of finishing a tube of ChapStick.
It’s hard to believe that the greatest division in American politics these days is “pro-“ or “anti-Chick-fil-A.”
Wow. Strippers get angry if you make it rain Bitcoins.
Just took one of those “Which Movie Character Are You?” quizzes and found out I’m the plastic bag from American Beauty.
Queen Elizabeth is in financial trouble. How do you go broke when your face is on the money?
Only 364 more shopping days until Christmas.