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People in Cleveland haven’t been this happy since…wait, this is the first time they’re happy.
Donald Trump is the living embodiment of an erection that lasts more than four hours.
Every time I see a newborn, I'm reminded of how rare and beautiful it is to look into the face of someone who's never heard of Trump.
Absolutely stunned to hear the news about Robin Williams. It's unimaginable to me that we've lost such a genuinely funny and sweet man.
I've noticed that men who tell women to "smile more" rarely comply when politely asked to "exist less."
This Chick-fil-A scandal has got me worried. I want to go to Arby’s but I don’t know where they stand on the unrest in Syria.
It’s tough this year. I’m worried Hillary’s a liar, and I’m worried Trump’s not.
I'm shocked. Back when Brian Williams and I killed Osama Bin Laden, he seemed like an honest guy.
Until Mexico has White Walkers, I don’t think we need a wall.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Twitter announced they will let advertisers target users based on the emojis they tweet. Bring it on, poop companies.
I hear the iPhone 7 is going to be a landline!
Thank God Beyonce had her baby and can go back to work. For the past 6 months that family's had to live entirely on Jay-Z's salary.
Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.
After seeing that commercial with the horse & puppy, my kids wouldn’t stop bugging me. So I caved and bought them a case of Bud.
Dave Grohl has done more with a broken leg than most Americans do in their lifetime.
I don’t even trust real clouds anymore.
Babies are being named after "Game of Thrones" characters? What parents would name a baby after a sword wielding, mythological character?
My goldfish is either planking or dead.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
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