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  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    This Chick-fil-A scandal has got me worried. I want to go to Arby’s but I don’t know where they stand on the unrest in Syria.

    • 3,915
    • FAVS
    KylemartinsugarRitz2RubbleWild_Flower2011KarenLyneButlerwokrsjoshlgibsonNeonWhiskyDawnLovesZombie
    • 19k
    • RETWEETS
    TheTranshumanBrothMan_BEEFwhatawhirlbailey_katiAlmostMechaLionSunshinemegc_moore88LooseyGoose
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

    • 3,330
    • FAVS
    ciberchBiebsleylandKelseyStromthentherewasmotravisgoldstondonelleumalinenillasKarenLyneButler
    • 17k
    • RETWEETS
    FavstardombradcesanekUnJamalthentherewasmotravisgoldstonfritopendejVandyKhamsaywhereswe
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    Thank God Beyonce had her baby and can go back to work. For the past 6 months that family's had to live entirely on Jay-Z's salary.

    • 1,962
    • FAVS
    wadiplvRitz2RubbleCmpepsiSemiBlackGirltarakdavisNeonWhiskynsn729monkeysricecold
    • 16k
    • RETWEETS
    FavstardomUnJamalB_NERDmariabrian93mikeczech_RacingOctopusLau5ra_Xldsakfj
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    After seeing that commercial with the horse & puppy, my kids wouldn’t stop bugging me. So I caved and bought them a case of Bud.

    • 9,217
    • FAVS
    klovestheaterLindsSBSjennyhasadogBumpy1276GundawindiMaroon571tTmayneMayneOrionWoody
    • 8,040
    • RETWEETS
    LindsSBSMaroon571FunnyIsFamilyballergirl34JohnE_BeerMANaslaterbrownAlexandraKielbCena_316_AA
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    My goldfish is either planking or dead.

    • 2,468
    • FAVS
    jeffswarensWitchdotcomMerpsAndDerpsTwistdidMindJayson_Two_timeiGreenMonkPaulGibson1963jannelo
    • 13k
    • RETWEETS
    jeffswarensjoshimitsu96iGreenMonkPaulGibson1963RusaRusitaMindHoneyMarnieKamKarlaGly
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    My wife and I each have a celebrity we're allowed to sleep with, no strings attached. Hers is Ryan Gosling. Mine is also Ryan Gosling.

    • 5,999
    • FAVS
    larilda_carlexandre_Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 9,051
    • RETWEETS
    carlexandre_eduardobolzanAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

    • 5,838
    • FAVS
    TaraMannklovestheaterashgrashashleystanfordAllyisdabest1heartemilyjeremypbeasleytherealphdmommy
    • 7,918
    • RETWEETS
    klovestheaterQuilPig_99ddblondieAllyisdabest1ShojaHakimitherealphdmommyRobHicks20VioletThunk
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    I just found out the “L” in Samuel L. Jackson stands for Laurence Fishburne.

    • 7,413
    • FAVS
    Linda_BunnyjennifoshoTurboToasterklovestheaterJCarnovaleLindsSBSshashaintlStrogiBancho
    • 6,130
    • RETWEETS
    LindsSBSMaroon571BlogwithBenefitJanus1018ErdnussEntePriscylla85DerMentalistGidgetWA
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial. Somebody help me.

    • 3,230
    • FAVS
    BrierAvilShahryarGidgetWACollinBakerjeffreySchauerTimeferbernardiwinseiken
    • 10k
    • RETWEETS
    ShahryarweisomeLessthanTimeamylaceousTaylahBiscuitMausheimerPeachyamused______kellyskelly
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    As the only man alive who’s hosted The Tonight Show & Late Night, I want to congratulate @jimmyfallon & @sethmeyers. They’ll both do great!

    • 9,109
    • FAVS
    sourpuckerk_taylor88TeflonDobjoethetrainernicolemouradLouis_XXVblakeahendersonWill6432
    • 4,076
    • RETWEETS
    alibicimkeeevinsantosSaikiJaxDanyNathan88ThenextdameednawehmajMarciztwitAHCooperation
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    When I’m in Colorado, ladies, it’s not just Mountain Time, it’s mountin’ time. My God, how do I delete this tweet?

    • 7,348
    • FAVS
    klovestheaterninatreemonkeyzapyum_____________TosinselamisandwichgraysongordayscottstaterBarbaraCowdery
    • 4,605
    • RETWEETS
    quinndelvalleePS_IRuddYouGidgetWABreeJessG_Koko_Dan_the_Butcherdinanieceroyman0
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    Everything’s bigger in Texas, so while I’m here I’m updating my dick pics.

    • 7,046
    • FAVS
    MartianAmbassadHumor_FetishdrugsandbonersspeknycRodrigoDSBaezGraehamFklovestheaterCaldoDePolla
    • 3,917
    • RETWEETS
    speknycRodrigoDSBaezammarisrealDonTwitturBatmanFan1995sethapfeifferbradtaylorbassballergirl34
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    A survey found that, on Valentine’s Day, men spend $87.00 more than women. I.e., a survey found that, on Valentine’s Day, men spend $87.00.

    • 4,607
    • FAVS
    MrJustinSteelekaitlynsupLincolnFantpeha17BlogwithBenefitjrs112795sheschiJoseph_Greenway__
    • 5,813
    • RETWEETS
    maryy_kathrynnblakebarnett7Avengekillerddye29tazbissontommydudleystandupmxPrettyMixeddB
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    Americans now read Facebook more than the Bible. I guess nobody wants to read about a guy who could only come up with 12 friends.

    • 5,089
    • FAVS
    EightyoneTimesklovestheaterjComicReliefKasunWeerinepparonyoungtweetssavage_wienerAwkwrdWhenSober
    • 5,195
    • RETWEETS
    KasunWeerFinnJuliafinn12ShobeChiongsavage_wienerBarbaraCowderyadriusMaroon571henrikjanke
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    I’ve already broken my New Year’s Resolution to not camp out on Jennifer Lawrence’s driveway.

    • 5,992
    • FAVS
    klovestheaterRuysvogelcasstantonWarningItsDia_TosinHumor_FetishKaylabeezKellyeFine
    • 3,807
    • RETWEETS
    JuryStolenjeene_inabottleBreeJessrellian1Epwna_robangusWhatSarahhhSaidhansel_mau
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    I just found out my autocorrect has been programmed by John Travolta.

    • 5,570
    • FAVS
    klovestheaterRIKSHAZ9LICKRuysvogelJohn_MountLindsSBSMehakVhbnastIAmAffiya
    • 4,019
    • RETWEETS
    RuysvogelLindsSBSRJBaileyIAmAffiyaJessiPong_KSebastiancamilazitelliVeroStewart
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she's overdue?

    • 3,534
    • FAVS
    Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 6,031
    • RETWEETS
    Jake_MoorheadAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    Just once in my life, I’d like to know the sweet satisfaction of finishing a tube of ChapStick.

    • 4,862
    • FAVS
    klovestheaterNDfuckingIrishMrJustinSteeleZachIronManHARDHEADturNetbusDiveInsideMindsjrs112795
    • 4,657
    • RETWEETS
    markbrianDRUHBEELUCCIANInymouheidimiller242moiragallagaamstaf86leggomymeggo84BarbaraCowdery
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    Terrible climate, centuries of oppression, and the gene for alcoholism. Or as I call it, “The luck of the Irish.”

    • 4,482
    • FAVS
    klovestheaterajfoucaultThereseRombrantBarbaraCowderyHuwLaytonGhetto_TrophyAlexaMoralesmayoknave
    • 4,943
    • RETWEETS
    ajfoucaultMrJustinSteeleGhetto_TrophyComedyMusesethapfeifferduaneconderleosadakokitkant
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    It’s hard to believe that the greatest division in American politics these days is “pro-“ or “anti-Chick-fil-A.”

    • 139
    • FAVS
    chasespiveyNeonWhiskychicagotimLWindham12MJsCuppycakedarinrob91charbear231MutteringMutt
    • 8,535
    • RETWEETS
    JustSweetAngeladrig7self_warrior__TheJoshuaBanksPika_RoeMyriamAntoniousTheClaire518ugotbeefdaily
@ConanOBrien

@ConanOBrien

The voice of the people. Sorry, people.