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This Chick-fil-A scandal has got me worried. I want to go to Arby’s but I don’t know where they stand on the unrest in Syria.
I'm shocked. Back when Brian Williams and I killed Osama Bin Laden, he seemed like an honest guy.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
I hear the iPhone 7 is going to be a landline!
Thank God Beyonce had her baby and can go back to work. For the past 6 months that family's had to live entirely on Jay-Z's salary.
Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.
After seeing that commercial with the horse & puppy, my kids wouldn’t stop bugging me. So I caved and bought them a case of Bud.
Dave Grohl has done more with a broken leg than most Americans do in their lifetime.
I don’t even trust real clouds anymore.
Babies are being named after "Game of Thrones" characters? What parents would name a baby after a sword wielding, mythological character?
My goldfish is either planking or dead.
One day after meeting the Pope, House Speaker John Boehner announced he is retiring. How do we get the Pope to meet Donald Trump?
My wife and I each have a celebrity we're allowed to sleep with, no strings attached. Hers is Ryan Gosling. Mine is also Ryan Gosling.
Kanye West just ran up, grabbed my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug, and gave it to a more deserving recipient.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I just found out the “L” in Samuel L. Jackson stands for Laurence Fishburne.
An earthquake hit Las Vegas. 1,200 Elvises were all shook up.
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
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