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This Chick-fil-A scandal has got me worried. I want to go to Arby’s but I don’t know where they stand on the unrest in Syria.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Thank God Beyonce had her baby and can go back to work. For the past 6 months that family's had to live entirely on Jay-Z's salary.
After seeing that commercial with the horse & puppy, my kids wouldn’t stop bugging me. So I caved and bought them a case of Bud.
My goldfish is either planking or dead.
My wife and I each have a celebrity we're allowed to sleep with, no strings attached. Hers is Ryan Gosling. Mine is also Ryan Gosling.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I just found out the “L” in Samuel L. Jackson stands for Laurence Fishburne.
Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial. Somebody help me.
When I’m in Colorado, ladies, it’s not just Mountain Time, it’s mountin’ time. My God, how do I delete this tweet?
Everything’s bigger in Texas, so while I’m here I’m updating my dick pics.
A survey found that, on Valentine’s Day, men spend $87.00 more than women. I.e., a survey found that, on Valentine’s Day, men spend $87.00.
Americans now read Facebook more than the Bible. I guess nobody wants to read about a guy who could only come up with 12 friends.
I’ve already broken my New Year’s Resolution to not camp out on Jennifer Lawrence’s driveway.
I just found out my autocorrect has been programmed by John Travolta.
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she's overdue?
Just once in my life, I’d like to know the sweet satisfaction of finishing a tube of ChapStick.
Terrible climate, centuries of oppression, and the gene for alcoholism. Or as I call it, “The luck of the Irish.”
It’s hard to believe that the greatest division in American politics these days is “pro-“ or “anti-Chick-fil-A.”