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This Chick-fil-A scandal has got me worried. I want to go to Arby’s but I don’t know where they stand on the unrest in Syria.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Thank God Beyonce had her baby and can go back to work. For the past 6 months that family's had to live entirely on Jay-Z's salary.
After seeing that commercial with the horse & puppy, my kids wouldn’t stop bugging me. So I caved and bought them a case of Bud.
Babies are being named after "Game of Thrones" characters? What parents would name a baby after a sword wielding, mythological character?
My goldfish is either planking or dead.
My wife and I each have a celebrity we're allowed to sleep with, no strings attached. Hers is Ryan Gosling. Mine is also Ryan Gosling.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I just found out the “L” in Samuel L. Jackson stands for Laurence Fishburne.
Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial. Somebody help me.
My kids have really been inspired by this year's World Cup. My son just bit our dog.
When I’m in Colorado, ladies, it’s not just Mountain Time, it’s mountin’ time. My God, how do I delete this tweet?
Anyone else thought of chaining Vince Gilligan in a barn to make him come up with another show?
Everything’s bigger in Texas, so while I’m here I’m updating my dick pics.
World Cup Soccer in Brazil: come for the action, stay because you’ve been murdered.
A survey found that, on Valentine’s Day, men spend $87.00 more than women. I.e., a survey found that, on Valentine’s Day, men spend $87.00.
Americans now read Facebook more than the Bible. I guess nobody wants to read about a guy who could only come up with 12 friends.
Let¹s face it, anyone named Captain America should be overweight and have a porn addiction.
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