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  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    This Chick-fil-A scandal has got me worried. I want to go to Arby’s but I don’t know where they stand on the unrest in Syria.

    • 3,916
    • FAVS
    NotUr_DreamGirlKylemartinsugarRitz2RubbleWild_Flower2011KarenLyneButlerwokrsjoshlgibsonNeonWhisky
    • 19k
    • RETWEETS
    TheTranshumanBrothMan_BEEFwhatawhirlbailey_katiAlmostMechaLionSunshinemegc_moore88LooseyGoose
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

    • 3,332
    • FAVS
    IsisdelaVegaNotUr_DreamGirleyeammarkkciberchBiebsleylandKelseyStromthentherewasmotravisgoldston
    • 17k
    • RETWEETS
    NotUr_DreamGirlFavstardombradcesanekUnJamalthentherewasmotravisgoldstonfritopendejVandyKhamsay
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    Thank God Beyonce had her baby and can go back to work. For the past 6 months that family's had to live entirely on Jay-Z's salary.

    • 1,962
    • FAVS
    wadiplvRitz2RubbleCmpepsiSemiBlackGirltarakdavisNeonWhiskynsn729monkeysricecold
    • 16k
    • RETWEETS
    FavstardomUnJamalB_NERDmariabrian93mikeczech_RacingOctopusLau5ra_Xldsakfj
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    After seeing that commercial with the horse & puppy, my kids wouldn’t stop bugging me. So I caved and bought them a case of Bud.

    • 9,217
    • FAVS
    _lostcoastlinesklovestheaterLindsSBSjennyhasadogBumpy1276GundawindiMaroon571tTmayneMayne
    • 8,040
    • RETWEETS
    LindsSBSMaroon571FunnyIsFamilyballergirl34JohnE_BeerMANaslaterbrown______AlexandraKielbCena_316_AA
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    Babies are being named after "Game of Thrones" characters?  What parents would name a baby after a sword wielding, mythological character?

    • 9,770
    • FAVS
    robbiegoodwinmallorybudesaTheGrottoTweetsBenHagueComedyhistwaddleDadBalloonsJessOnCrackFreekKalter
    • 6,159
    • RETWEETS
    futietonTheAngryMailGuyminnie_in_pink72heely4belamattierosesData2364mpatel79Dexxe
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    My goldfish is either planking or dead.

    • 2,470
    • FAVS
    jesscusterMotteleaenaw07elfeSchisslawengKr3uzBub3robbiegoodwinfutieton
    • 13k
    • RETWEETS
    psychoviehTicktatorinBenHagueComedyfutietonjeffswarensjoshimitsu96iGreenMonkPaulGibson1963
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    My wife and I each have a celebrity we're allowed to sleep with, no strings attached. Hers is Ryan Gosling. Mine is also Ryan Gosling.

    • 6,001
    • FAVS
    NotUr_DreamGirlfutietonlarilda_carlexandre_Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 9,052
    • RETWEETS
    NotUr_DreamGirlcarlexandre_eduardobolzanAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

    • 5,840
    • FAVS
    BennyduderfutietonTaraMannklovestheaterashgrashashleystanfordAllyisdabest1heartemily
    • 7,919
    • RETWEETS
    futietonklovestheaterQuilPig_99ddblondieAllyisdabest1ShojaHakimitherealphdmommyRobHicks20
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    This morning I thought I heard a neighbor blasting that new @skrillex song I like, but then I realized it was just the garbage truck.

    • 2,080
    • FAVS
    robbiegoodwinTheFakeMontyTypeTweetmentsBuddyAckerNSElvisRetardashiantruesolitairNeonWhisky
    • 11k
    • RETWEETS
    UnJamalcosaco1234BuddyAckerhaziqmirjkusunokikellyizradharrystanfemiiillyhall
    ElZepet__________
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    I just found out the “L” in Samuel L. Jackson stands for Laurence Fishburne.

    • 7,416
    • FAVS
    _SnickerSnackrobbiegoodwinahoychoi_TosinBenHagueComedyhistwaddlefutieton_lostcoastlines
    • 6,131
    • RETWEETS
    _SnickerSnackBenHagueComedyfutietonLindsSBSMaroon571BlogwithBenefitJanus1018ErdnussEnte
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial. Somebody help me.

    • 3,230
    • FAVS
    brieravilShahryarGidgetWACollinBakerjeffreySchauerTimeferbernardiwinseiken
    • 10k
    • RETWEETS
    fart42069ShahryarweisomeLessthanTimeamylaceousTaylahBiscuitMausheimerPeachyamused______
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    As the only man alive who’s hosted The Tonight Show & Late Night, I want to congratulate @jimmyfallon & @sethmeyers. They’ll both do great!

    • 9,109
    • FAVS
    sourpuckerk_taylor88TeflonDobjoethetrainernicolemouradLouis_XXVblakeahendersonWill6432
    • 4,076
    • RETWEETS
    MoulidI1Sylviave73alibicimkeeevinsantosSaikiJaxDanyNathan88Thenextdameednawehmaj
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    My kids have really been inspired by this year's World Cup.  My son just bit our dog.

    • 7,150
    • FAVS
    doucheslayerradcouchzevirtoWhiskeyMeBabyckretmsageLjayHAMRojjaychuckles_01
    • 5,176
    • RETWEETS
    theadarshpatelCuckinFrazynropineschuckles_01RkindofspecialLjayHAMThe_ONE_AdrianRojjay
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    When I’m in Colorado, ladies, it’s not just Mountain Time, it’s mountin’ time. My God, how do I delete this tweet?

    • 7,349
    • FAVS
    robbiegoodwinklovestheaterninatreemonkeyzapyum_____________Tosinselamisandwichgraysongordayscottstater
    • 4,606
    • RETWEETS
    robbiegoodwinquinndelvalleePS_IRuddYouGidgetWABreeJessG_Koko_Dan_the_Butcherdinaniece
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    Anyone else thought of chaining Vince Gilligan in a barn to make him come up with another show?

    • 3,891
    • FAVS
    futietonlifebettergreenAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 7,231
    • RETWEETS
    Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    Everything’s bigger in Texas, so while I’m here I’m updating my dick pics.

    • 7,076
    • FAVS
    _TosinSHANNON_dawnBminnie_in_pink7eyeammarkkjavi_10baMartianAmbassadHumor_Fetishdrugsandboners
    • 3,930
    • RETWEETS
    minnie_in_pink7IamTheRigaTonispeknycRodrigoDSBaezammarisrealDonTwitturBatmanFan1995sethapfeiffer
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    World Cup Soccer in Brazil: come for the action, stay because you’ve been murdered.

    • 5,172
    • FAVS
    ohdanijel_esezetaJohnTakes_CarlunCheajperrhihoughOkelloZangiigrour
    • 5,284
    • RETWEETS
    jparralJavyerDDmery_roxlucianobancheroParkerMcAndrewsSuperIncreibleZe0niteAshleyBarrett95
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    A survey found that, on Valentine’s Day, men spend $87.00 more than women. I.e., a survey found that, on Valentine’s Day, men spend $87.00.

    • 4,617
    • FAVS
    _TosineyeammarkkMrJustinSteelekaitlynsupLincolnFantpeha17BlogwithBenefitjrs112795
    • 5,813
    • RETWEETS
    chattanoogaTJmaryy_kathrynnblakebarnett7Avengekillerddye29tazbissontommydudleystandupmx
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    Americans now read Facebook more than the Bible. I guess nobody wants to read about a guy who could only come up with 12 friends.

    • 5,091
    • FAVS
    _TosinfutietoneyeammarkkEightyoneTimesklovestheaterjComicReliefKasunWeerineppa
    • 5,196
    • RETWEETS
    BenHagueComedyfutietonKasunWeerFinnJuliafinn12ShobeChiongsavage_wienerBarbaraCowderyadrius
  • ConanOBrien
      Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien

    Let¹s face it, anyone named Captain America should be overweight and have a porn addiction.

    • 5,678
    • FAVS
    robbiegoodwinIlluminattiAnonShobeChiongjeffswarensTweetingDadGuyhistwaddlefutietonjudithjoy
    • 4,257
    • RETWEETS
    histwaddlefutietonmattg177sauvisinghjamespiattcausticwithsoda_dinozombie_Rani_hassan
@ConanOBrien

@ConanOBrien

The voice of the people. Sorry, people.