Just found out that “amazeballs” is a new, hip word and not just my Confirmation name.

Two things: Comedy is about being relatable and also, I’m tired of the interns not saluting me.

Just saw this ad in Paris. This explains what Haagen-Dazs meant when they told me they were "going another way."  http://bit.ly/1bO7OI9 

My kids bought me a “World’s Greatest Dad” mug at the Sarcastic store.

I’m sorry to hear about Vladimir Putin’s divorce, but I’m happy to have my drinking buddy back. Call me, Mrs. Putin!

I hope the government wasn’t spying on iPhones, or they’re going to have millions of records of people saying, “Sorry, you’re cutting out.”

Government collecting data from our cell phones? No wonder @barackobama always beats me at Words with Friends.

Well, well, well. Two can play at this game. I just started following the @nsa.

Vince Vaughn & Owen Wilson from #TheInternship have a cornhole battle with me on #Conan tonight. It's not what you're thinking, mom.

And just what am I supposed to do with this warehouse full of “Don’t Taze Me Bro” mouse pads?

Played softball with my son last night. He says I “throw like a Conan.”

I’m looking for a Franklin in the streets and a Bash in the sheets.

Just woke up from a nap and discovered 18 more “Game of Thrones” characters have been killed.

If you think that’s bad, you should see how Michael Douglas got eczema.

In 10 years, my wife and I have never gone to bed angry. Thanks, couch and spare pillow.

Want to get slammed from every conceivable angle? Pick the bumper car that’s painted like a police cruiser.

I’m going to be like my dad and show up to every one of my son’s Little League games, but without all the betting.

Pretty sure karate was invented by a guy and a bee.

I’m really scared of horror movies with clowns, and this theater is full of them.

We’re all looking for a Canada by day, and a Mexico at night.