The world isn't going to end in 2012. These Funyuns don't expire until 2013.

Show me someone who says they are better than me at basketball, and I'll show you my car keys because I have ADD.

I really hope Jim Varney's tombstone says "Ernest Goes To Heaven".

How did Cap'n Crunch ever make captain? His number one priority is cereal. He's also around kids WAY too much. Also he's a cartoon.

Wait, you've got 99 bottles of beer on the wall? A. You should be refrigerating those, not putting them on a wall. B. You are an alcoholic.

Why is there a North Dakota and a South Dakota? Do we really need two? Also why do we still have a Dakota Fanning? WAY too many Dakotas.

"You wanna piece of me?" -Confrontational organ donor

The reason you're family was murdered was that you constantly say "irregardless".

"Who's with me!?" -Stevie Wonder

Blind snipers have no idea what they're missing.

Have you ever noticed how funny observational humor is?

I'm the Larry, or maybe Jeff or Steve, of remembering names.

Slow and steady wins the race is so true. Unless, of course, you are in an actual race. In that case it's all about speed.

Stephen Hawking can't walk the walk or talk the talk.

"Once, in a Blue Moon." -Me when asked if I've ever had an orange slice in my beer.

A little bird told me that I should lay off the heroin because birds don't talk.

"Ooh baby I like it raaaw!" -Old Dirty Bastard at a sushi place.

Shouldn't people always get a taste of their own medicine? You definitely shouldn't be taking someone else's. You could die.

No, I'm not wearing red lipstick, I just had a cherry slurpee. This dress is super comfortable though.

I would like monkey bars a lot more if they were less like playground equipment and more like places where monkeys got really drunk.