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ANYONE WHO IS MORE INTERESTING THAN I AM IS A HIPSTER & ANYONE WHO IS LESS INTERESTING THAN I AM IS A BRO & I AM MAD AS FUCK AT ALL OF THEM
*turns to stranger in mcdonalds*
what are u gonna get
Me: u know in GTA when u drive rly fast & jump off the side of an overpass
Uber Driver: would you like a bottle of water
Me: listen to me
👏🏻 don't 👏🏻 celebrate 👏🏻 president's 👏🏻 day 👏🏻 unless 👏🏻 you 👏🏻 were 👏🏻 a 👏🏻 president 👏🏻
you're in a park hangin out w people. all the people are dogs and youre a dog. youve never heard of twitter and your life isnt miserable
HAH FAIL starbucks guy got my name wrong after hearin it 1 time in a noisy store amidst 200 other names. anyway is today tuesday or saturday
my GOTH DAD license plate is not a vanity plate it is a coincidence. random string of letters. could ve happened to a dad without eyeliner
each week replace yr sons toothbrush w a slightly larger one til one day, as he struggles to lift a 7 foot Oral-B, you tell him hes adopted
kanye only following kim is the ultimate gesture of love. it is the realest thing that has ever happened. throw romeo & juliet in the toilet
HI 911? I DROPPED MY INFANT IN A BOWL OF ROGAINE & HE TURN IN2 KOALA BEAR. BUT ANYWAY THE EMERGENCY IS I NEED WORLDS BEST DAD MUG IMEDIATELY
wow. women are stealing the man bun hairstyle. a new low
Haha sounds like a great night. I love the part about smoking Weed Bongs. (casually turn head revealing police badge tattoo on side of face)
Heres a tip are you having trouble finding the clitoris ? Heres a tip forget the sex cause you are the run from the law. You ate a kid dude
these protestors aren't solving anything
*pays $15 to cheer on katniss everdeen's fictional heroics against an oppressive state*
guys, i love havin sex, and...
parrot behind me interrupts: "SQUAWK im gonna tell my friends ive had sex SQUAWK i hope they believe me"
nice kind boy and im polite
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