HI 911? I DROPPED MY INFANT IN A BOWL OF ROGAINE & HE TURN IN2 KOALA BEAR. BUT ANYWAY THE EMERGENCY IS I NEED WORLDS BEST DAD MUG IMEDIATELY

kanye only following kim is the ultimate gesture of love. it is the realest thing that has ever happened. throw romeo & juliet in the toilet

you're in a park hangin out w people. all the people are dogs and youre a dog. youve never heard of twitter and your life isnt miserable

each week replace yr sons toothbrush w a slightly larger one til one day, as he struggles to lift a 7 foot Oral-B, you tell him hes adopted

Heres a tip are you having trouble finding the clitoris ? Heres a tip forget the sex cause you are the run from the law. You ate a kid dude

U'LL SLEEP WHEN UR DEAD HUH? COOL. SOUNDS PRTTY NEAT. I MEAN I'LL BE PLAYIN MINI GOLF W TUPAC WHEN I'M DEAD BUT YA SLEEP SOUNDS COOL TOO LOL

Haha sounds like a great night. I love the part about smoking Weed Bongs. (casually turn head revealing police badge tattoo on side of face)

timothy we need to talk about your essay "How Do U Go Hungry In The Winter They Litraly Put Salt All Over The Streets Idiot." it is awesome

my GOTH DAD license plate is not a vanity plate it is a coincidence. random string of letters. could ve happened to a dad without eyeliner

oh hey ex-gf yaeh things are goin pretty well for me for example my mouth is BLOODY bcause i eat DIAMONDS for cereal i eat FUCKING DIAMONDS

this nerd reciting the first 1000 digits of pi and im yelling NICE every time a 9 follows a 6

banned from imdb for adding "Frankie Muniz isnt in it" to the Goofs & Errors section of every single movie. score one for hollywood facists

if your friend introduces you to someone, shake their hand and say "wow, sooo lifelike" to your friend

Mr Tripler is sentenced to (I COVER MY MOUTH & YELL IN HIGH PITCH VOICE "5 SECONDS IN JAIL!" "YA ONLY 5 SECONDS I AGREE!") the death penalty

someone mentioned you in a tweet! someone mentioned you at the dinner table. people are talking about you. a nation is chanting your name.

OBAMA REVEALS HES A KID STANDING ON A KIDS SHOULDERS. ROMNEY COUNTERS BY REVEALING HES 3 TINY KIDS. 20 BABIES TUMBLE OUT OF BIDENS CLOTHES

dog slowly open his mouth. he tryin to tell u something. dog close he mouth. lol hes not tryin 2 tell u nothin hes justa dog. he ur friend

GIRLS DONT EVEN REALIZE HOW BAD THEY WANT ME TIL WE BECOME FB FRIEND & THEY SEE ALL 200 OF MY PROFILE PICS ARE ME MID-RIDE ON ROLLERCOASTERS

the moon was once part of the earth but broke off to orbit at close distance in a process known in the field of geoscience as "friendzoning"

BRING BACK MTV CRIBS BUT KEEP ORIGINAL CELEB SELECTION. SISQOS ROTTING CEILING. ASHANTIS TEAR SOAKED COT. HANSON FIGHTING OVER SOME CAT FOOD