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ANYONE WHO IS MORE INTERESTING THAN I AM IS A HIPSTER & ANYONE WHO IS LESS INTERESTING THAN I AM IS A BRO & I AM MAD AS FUCK AT ALL OF THEM
*turns to stranger in mcdonalds*
what are u gonna get
HAH FAIL starbucks guy got my name wrong after hearin it 1 time in a noisy store amidst 200 other names. anyway is today tuesday or saturday
you're in a park hangin out w people. all the people are dogs and youre a dog. youve never heard of twitter and your life isnt miserable
kanye only following kim is the ultimate gesture of love. it is the realest thing that has ever happened. throw romeo & juliet in the toilet
each week replace yr sons toothbrush w a slightly larger one til one day, as he struggles to lift a 7 foot Oral-B, you tell him hes adopted
my GOTH DAD license plate is not a vanity plate it is a coincidence. random string of letters. could ve happened to a dad without eyeliner
HI 911? I DROPPED MY INFANT IN A BOWL OF ROGAINE & HE TURN IN2 KOALA BEAR. BUT ANYWAY THE EMERGENCY IS I NEED WORLDS BEST DAD MUG IMEDIATELY
Haha sounds like a great night. I love the part about smoking Weed Bongs. (casually turn head revealing police badge tattoo on side of face)
these protestors aren't solving anything
*pays $15 to cheer on katniss everdeen's fictional heroics against an oppressive state*
oh hey ex-gf yaeh things are goin pretty well for me for example my mouth is BLOODY bcause i eat DIAMONDS for cereal i eat FUCKING DIAMONDS
guys, i love havin sex, and...
parrot behind me interrupts: "SQUAWK im gonna tell my friends ive had sex SQUAWK i hope they believe me"
Heres a tip are you having trouble finding the clitoris ? Heres a tip forget the sex cause you are the run from the law. You ate a kid dude
Mr Tripler is sentenced to (I COVER MY MOUTH & YELL IN HIGH PITCH VOICE "5 SECONDS IN JAIL!" "YA ONLY 5 SECONDS I AGREE!") the death penalty
U'LL SLEEP WHEN UR DEAD HUH? COOL. SOUNDS PRTTY NEAT. I MEAN I'LL BE PLAYIN MINI GOLF W TUPAC WHEN I'M DEAD BUT YA SLEEP SOUNDS COOL TOO LOL
GIRLS DONT EVEN REALIZE HOW BAD THEY WANT ME TIL WE BECOME FB FRIEND & THEY SEE ALL 200 OF MY PROFILE PICS ARE ME MID-RIDE ON ROLLERCOASTERS
this nerd reciting the first 1000 digits of pi and im yelling NICE every time a 9 follows a 6
bury me wearing google glass so i can see how my funeral pics did on instagram
DJ. PRODUCER. MY EYEBROW RING IS CONNECTED BY A CHAIN 2 MY LIFE ALERT BRACELET. BEAT MAKER. MY BUCKET HAT IS PERMANENTLY FUSED 2 MY HEADGEAR 4 MEDICAL PURPOSES