I determine whether something is a fruit or vegetable based on if I would put it in a smoothie. Chocolate is a fruit. So is vodka.

I'm pretty sure a lot of people don't even believe that Canada exists.

I'm no doctor, but alcohol sure makes me think I am.

Fucking ten year olds shirt read "Noone cares about your tweets." Imma fuck a bitch up.

My cat was cleaning his bro's ear and then I said "aww" and he looked at me like "shut the fuck up" and I said sorry and he proceeded.

I have an addictive personality and I am a hands on thinker. And that is why there is a kilo of cocaine in the trunk, officer.

Lady in front of me on the train, if you don't speak in English on your phone then I can't eavesdrop on you. C'mon.

Don't think I'm not crazy enough to manually go through and find out which four of you unfollowed me and then guilt trip you to the grave.

You can never follow too many Australians.

I hate committing to things like obeying the law.

Found a new thing to do when I get bored: Google cults in my city.So now I feel especially safe leaving the house.

The internet wants me to be a lesbian, with all of these hot singles in my area.

Also hate when you can't use proper grammar because your tweet exceeds the character count.

I'm really lacking on the meth jokes. Sorry guys. I've been too busy eating my scabs.

I figure that if I order enough pizza, eventually one of the pizza delivery boys will have sex with me.

Maybe I watch too much porn.

Public transit. That's it. That's the joke.

I just want to be someones "baddest bitch" and if that's too much to ask for then I guess this world really is fucked up.

I don't get people who DON'T want to have sex.

I believe my trust issues started when I was eight and my drunken auntie walked in on me peeing , after I had locked the door.

I'm really good at ignoring people and really bad at being confronted.