Oh pillow. You are about to get some real good head.

Hey did I ever tell you guys about those new corduroy pillows? They're really making headlines!

"OMG I LOVE THIS SOCK SO MUCH IM GOING TO CHEW ON IT AND SUCK ON IT THEN FALL ASLEEP ON IT, DONT YOU FUCKING TOUCH IT." - my dog

Just got my butt activated. Jealous?

I'm at a boring meeting. BORING. Meating. Meat. BBQ. I want cheeseburgers. Why won't everyone shut up and make me a cheeseburger?

I aint trying to get you drunk, I'm just tryin' to get you tipsy.. enough.

What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck...and I can't remember the rest but your mother's a whore

Dear Facebook,

hamburgerhotdog666 is NOT a weak password.

You're weak.

So. Anyone know how to make my printer stop printing a cancelled job? Nevermind, hitting it works.

Its always funny until someone gets hurt, and then its just hilarious.

Anyone who drinks V8 is a vampire. Enjoy your can of blood you weirdo demon.

I used to date a guy who thought Wall Street was a company.

Dear wine, That's it. You and I are through!!!! Get out of my face. Just kidding. Come back. I love you.

Up yours young people! You and your rock and roll 8-track tapes!

I just starred my own tweet. Because I liked it that much.

Tomorrow is my favourite day of the year!!! DISCOUNT CHOCOLATE DAY!!! Who wants to celebrate with me??

Just had a chocolate bar for breakfast. I love being a grown up on vacation.

Dear alcohol, thanks for making me really good at golf today.

Hey auto flush toilets, CHILL THE EFF OUT! I'M NOT DONE YET.

Cleanup on aisle you.