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If 75% of people parking in the handicapped spot at Walmart lost 200lbs they wouldn't need to park there anymore.
Being a girl means I have to over analyze everything until nothing makes sense anymore.
It's all fun n' games until your dad introduces you to his friends as his fastest swimmer.
It's cute how guys are all surprised when they find out I'm crazy. You'd think the vagina would tip them off.
My gay friend got drunk and ate some really old chicken from my fridge. I'd be worried, but he eats assholes so I'm pretty sure he'll be ok.
Anyone know the exact amount of booze to drink to get rid of my panic attacks, but not so much that I die?
Drinking and driving is better when the sun's still out because no one suspects it.
Customer: "¿Hablas español?"
Me: "Uh, no nintendo."
Being Mexican-American is great! If I'm lazy, it's because I'm Mexican, but when I graduate college, I've overcome the odds.
If I had a dollar for everytime I wanted to quit my job, I'd be able to quit my job.
My dad always drinks the liquid from the Vienna sausage can. I have a gross insight into his sex life.
I don't understand why girls feel they need to steal a man. If she had asked me nicely, I would have sold him for a reasonable price.
If I learned anything from drug smugglers it's that the butt is natures purse.
Pouring wine into a glass to drink it is completely unnecessary when I can drink it right out of the bottle. Why dirty a clean glass?
My morals are loose but my grammar is tight.
I'm not above pity stars.
Later when I’m drunk and taking advantage of myself I’ll forget that I shaved and be pleasantly surprised.
I wish I lived in the 50's where it's socially acceptable for me to be supported by a man, stay at home & be drunk everyday starting at 9am.
Kids should be in school all year to better prepare them for adulthood when there is no summer break because life sucks.
When I think about how much I used to love facebook, I get scared at how misguided I was.
Now, if you'll please turn your cookie bibles to the gospel according to Nestle.
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