magneto forcing wolverine into jacking off at a funeral

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK* its the po... izza man come out with your mouths hungry

if you open the caterpillar wikipedia page and leave it there for a while, it should eventually open the butterfly wikipedia page

rick ross eating an avocado and saying "this kiwi is bullshit"

what if The Who let the dogs out

nobody really knows what a dog is because even scientists will agree "they're really fun to play with" and "i have no idea what this is"

*mugger walks up* GIMME EVERYTHING YOU GOT! *mugger slowly walks away with $2.16 and a lifetime of anxiety & existential misunderstanding*

how come if i stick a fork in an electrical outlet i die but if i stick a fork in my mashed potatoes im going to die anyway

if i ever catch my kids smoking cigarettes those little fucks better be ready for leather jackets and sunglasses for christmas

sometimes i get a cool idea like "i should draw a mustache on a money dollar" then i look in leather butt folder, no green number papers

Toy Story 5: Jason Statham must deliver the last iPad to Uganda, in a prius, and he has to drift the entire trip or the car will explode

*puts mustard on like lipstick* im ready... for hotdog's

honeymoon? sorry, last thing im fucking with is space bees

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FUCKIN WORMS KEEP FLYING INTO MY TEA

i wonder if godzilla ever ate a whole pharmacy and tripped balls. i also bet that he fucked the moth

SORRY SIR WE DONT CARRY SIZE 100×12 JEANS BUT WE'RE REALLY SORRY ABOUT YOUR STEAMROLLER ACCIDENT

first off im not "tanning in the nude in walmart parking lot", im a plant & im absorbing the suns hugs. second off, you can't arrest a plant

which city got the most turtles and least cops

you can steal anything from kmart all the workers are out back smoking pot. drove 4 lawnmowers home yesterday

the proof is coming from INSIDE the pudding