You know what's better than babies? Snow-globes. Because you can shake snow-globes.

I'm not going to lie to you. There's a good chance that at some point, I will probably try to fuck you. That's just how I roll.

"Are you there, God? It's me, well, you've probably never heard of me cuz I'm like really underground & shit." -- Hipster prayer

My mom's writing me a note that says you guys can't unfollow me.

If you're accusing me of thinking I'm better than you, you're right. Not as right as me, of course. But no one is ever that right.

Dear Skinny Bitches, There's almost nothing more unattractive than listening to you be mean about bigger girls. Knock that shit off. Thanks.

Look, it's not like I went into this thinking, "After I cum, I'm gonna desperately cling to you & sob like someone died." Just happened, ok?

When I see skinny girls out for a run, I like to yell, "You'll always be fat!" Because it's funny. And I'm an asshole.

The best part about being crazy as fuck is no one thinks it's a good idea to leave you alone with the babies.

I find that ducks rarely use their inside voice.

Dudes, you don't need a girlfriend to make you a sandwich. The lady at Subway will do it.

You're pretty cute for someone I'll eventually have to stab.

I wanna touch things that don't belong to me.

I hope that when the apocalypse does happen, it's just one Christian & one atheist in the world's most ridiculous slap fight.

I'm no different than you: screaming into the abyss to find the comfort in knowing madness has an echo.

There's an 8 year-old girl hanging out at the tattoo place across the street. I bet she fucking OWNS the 3rd grade.

How about we put a stop to this ridiculous idea we can actually end bullying & start giving kids the support & strength to live through it?

Stop it. Just stop it. Put the camera down, tuck your titties back in your shirt, and have some goddamn respect for yourself.

Why do celebs on Twitter always vomit inspirational shit? We're not falling for it. We know they're just as dead & empty as the rest of us.

Sesame Street's most important lesson is an unspoken one: the world is full of monsters, & a great many of them end-up being your friends.